sparklequeen | Meadowlark Inbox

You want me to come over?

[ It takes a long time for Glimmer to reply. She's a bit scared, scared that she might burden Ellie who already has so much to worry about in her own life with Glimmer's troubles. Troubles from a world she's not even sure she can go home to, even. But the promise of company while everyone else is out (Adora at work, Catra doing... Catra stuff?) seems helpful. So she drops a map pin at the apartment. ]

Sure. I'd like that.

Okay. You hungry?

[This is... awkward, a little, mainly because she's not sure of how to help. She's not gonna have any advice for a queen of all people. But she does know what it's like to hurt desperately and not be able to do anything about it.

Part of it is because she's scrambled up too, and even if they're talking about heavy stuff, she likes being around Glimmer.]

Edited 2020-11-14 19:33 (UTC)

Not really, but if you want to bring something I might pick at it.

I'll bring something light.

[Ellie's not super hungry either, but on the way over, she grabs some simple cups of cut fruits, summery and sweet. Fresh fruit was a rarity growing up, and now she can find it pre-sliced at any grocery store here. It's one thing she really appreciations.

She waits for Glimmer to buzz her in -- it's disgustingly hot out, so she's wearing a tank-top again, has left her hat at home. It's only been a little while but her hair's starting to come back in. She holds out the recycling-friendly cup.]

Hey.

[ The door is buzzed open and Glimmer steps aside to let Ellie into the tiny apartment. The windows are open, partially in hopes of circulating some air and partially so that Catra can get back in if she wants. The sounds of the always-busy city filter in along with a faint breeze that barely alleviates the hot, sticky evening weather. She's dressed much like Ellie--shorts and a tank-top to try and do away with the heat. She smiles just a little at the sight of the other young woman. ]

Hi!

[ She accepts the fruit cup and moves towards the small table in the common space, right across from the humble little kitchenette. ]

...Thanks for coming.

[It's a little smile, but it's a start. Ellie smiles back, an expression that on her is more like a softening of her eyes, following her inside.

Glimmer thanks her, and Ellie resists the urge to reach out for her. Instead she settles down into the chair, grateful for the slight breeze and the privacy of the room. They can talk to each other freely here.]

'Course.

[Mostly to have something to do with her hands, she dips her fingers into the top of her fruit cup, comes up with a half a strawberry.]

I know Lance checked with you, but.

[Ellie shrugs, a little awkwardly. Is it weird to admit that she's reading Glimmer's replies on the network? Maybe.]

[ Glimmer settles down into her chair and fishes out a piece of watermelon which she pops into her mouth almost immediately, grateful for the cool, sweet flavor. There's a hesitation at Ellie's question. Glimmer lets out a sigh. It's a little embarrassed, a little uncertain. ]

Yeah. Um... thanks.

[ She fidgets and fills the silence by eating another piece of fruit. ]

Just bringing up some bad memories, I guess. This whole thing.

[Ellie looks up at her, at the way she's fidgeting. Bites into the strawberry and lets the taste spread across her tongue. Sweet and cool. And just... thinks.]

They're not just memories if they're still going on, though.

I--

[ Glimmer was going to deny it, try and deflect. Of course, Ellie makes a good point. ]

I guess you're right? It's just... I can't get back home to do anything about it. Even when I was there, I was trapped. I didn't... I couldn't do anything. I was helpless.

[ She shudders despite the warmth and wraps her arms around herself, as if it might ward off some unfelt chill. She speaks again, voice small and desperate. ]

I'm still helpless.

Edited 2020-11-15 06:59 (UTC)

[Ellie swallows back the lump in her throat, the sticky-sweetness of the strawberry, watching Glimmer's eyes, the way she's holding herself.

Nothing Ellie can say will change the situation for her, but- with a slow breath, she lays her hand, palm-up and bare, on the table between them. Her fingers curl somewhat upward, relaxed.

It's a silent, but overt offer. For touch. For sharing emotions -- and hell, if she wants to, even the memories.]

[ Glimmer looks over at Ellie, then down at the hand stretched out across the table. She hesitates, uncertain about whether she even should. There's so much bubbling inside of her as she tries to fight against the unhappy memories that have come to the front of her mind today. But then... Ellie has trusted her. So maybe she can trust Ellie. Glimmer reaches out and lays her hand in the other's, skin warm and soft.

Emotion swirls between the two of them, surging like a wave as anxiety, fear, anger, disgust all war with each other to fight to the front of the line. It's almost overwhelming despite Glimmer's attempts to hold herself back. Memory flashes through their minds. Glimmer sits at a long table, opposite a monstrous, pale figure. He is speaking with a smooth, honeyed voice that sounds like it could be soothing, but instead only draws forth anxiety and fear. Glimmer is eating something, the taste a strange sort of savory umami with a custard like consistency.

"Enjoyable, yes? It's a delicacy from a distant world light-years away from here. It was very much like Etheria."

Surprise, uncertainty, suspicion. She feels like a small animal in the gaze of a predator. She can't look away, she can't run. All she can do is sit here and watch as doom seems to draw closer and closer. What does he mean by that? Why is he bringing up Etheria? Home. Images of the palace, her friends, the beautiful forests and mountains that she misses so deeply and earnestly it might well break one's heart. Homesickness.

"This dish is incredibly rare, as that world no longer exists."

The implication of the words hit Glimmer like a blow to the gut. She feels sick, that she might simply vomit forth the single bite of food she's had in response. Bile rises and somehow she forces it down. Her spoon falls from nerveless fingers as disgust is replaced by fear and grief. He can't. He can't destroy Etheria, she won't let him. But what can she do? She is overwhelmed by fear and uncertainty. Tears well into the corners of her eyes--

Glimmer tugs her hand away, unwilling to subject Ellie to more of the uncontrolled storm of unhappy emotion, her hands retreating to tug tight against her chest. She's silent, shaking a little at how vivid the memory still is, even months later. She has played it over in her head again and again, wondering about home. ]

I--I'm sorry.

Edited 2020-11-16 02:44 (UTC)

[Ellie clasps her hand around Glimmer's, curving her fingers around her wrist. The first brush of feeling alone makes her gasp under her breath.

The quality of the helplessness is... different from what she's used to. This is so much bigger than just her. If Glimmer dies, there's so much riding on her shoulders, so many people who immediately depend on her. The anxiety and fear are heavy, horrible, and Ellie has to swallow down a rising panic, a lingering, awful disgust.

And that's even before the memories hit.

It doesn't take long to absorb what happened, for the memory to imprint itself over her brain, real as the taste suddenly lingering across her tongue, the lurch of her stomach and the acidic taste of threatening vomit.

The tears well up, both in the memory and in Ellie's eyes, so hot and fast that she can't keep them back. They race down her cheeks -- just two, before Glimmer yanks her hand back, breaks their connection and leaves Ellie gasping, reeling with it. She takes a couple of deep breaths... and doesn't pull her hand back.

Instead, she opens her fingers, looking up and into Glimmer's eyes.]

I'm not.

Edited 2020-11-16 05:21 (UTC)

[ It helps a little. A lot? She's not sure. But it helps to have someone else understand on some level why this talk of clones and lifespans would make her feel like as fragile as a piece of glass. She desperately wants to reach out for that hand again. The physical and emotional comfort of sharing the burden is so near and compelling, but she holds herself back. It wouldn't be fair to drop more of it onto Ellie. It just wouldn't. ]

It's just so much. I don't-- I don't want you to feel that way, too. So... helpless.

[ The tears are rolling down her cheeks unimpeded. The helplessness is the worst part. Feeling that there is nothing she can do to truly help. She can only sit in her cell and wait with fear for whatever might come next. Fear and some little hope that still kindles itself in her heart. ]

I know what it is to feel helpless. And to lose somebody, and to feel-

[Ellie takes a deep, rough breath.]

Trapped. It's not the same as the shit you went through. I get that, but-

[Another breath, this time calmer. Ellie flexes her fingers, opens them up again.]

I can take it. Don't worry about me.

[ Glimmer hesitates for a moment. She doesn't question Ellie again verbally though. She just reaches out and takes her hand again, gripping tight. ]

Okay.

[ She'll worry anyway. As they touch, the glow begins to brighten from Glimmer's chest and the emotions begin to mingle again. There's less concrete memory this time, only the emotions: the sick feeling of anxiety in the pit of the stomach, the fear of failure, the worry that you will not be good enough to help those who rely on you. It's all mingling into a sickening anxious malaise that has settled over Glimmer's mind. How is she supposed to shoulder this weight? What does she do? What can she do? The answer is, of course, that she can't really do anything to help because she's trapped somewhere who knows how far from home without the faintest idea of how to get back there. ]

I'm scared.

[ She doesn't need to say it, of course. Ellie can feel it. For some reason, though, it feels like it helps to say it. Speaking it makes it feel more real, more concrete. It makes her feel like expressing it aloud helps to anchor her. ]

[The glow shines clearly through Ellie's shirt again as Glimmer takes her hand, as her emotions thrum through her -- Ellie always feels terribly exhausted, sad, guilty. But she can set it aside, pull her concern over Glimmer to the forefront.

So Glimmer's anxiety and fear is up there, blanketing painful over everything, and Ellie breathes through it, feeling it as surely as she does. It's... so much to carry. Different in the weight. It's despair, and it tastes familiar.

There's a fucked-up echo from Ellie's side, the guilt and hurt of going from this type of anxiety to actual failure, but she clamps down on that as much as she can. Glimmer doesn't need that right now. She needs reasons to keep fighting-

But. Even as Ellie tastes all of this, she can feel the fire of who she is. Even though she feels scared and trapped, she hasn't given up.

It roars up in Ellie's chest, a deep admiration and fondness for her, pressing alongside all that pain. Glimmer hasn't given up.

How is it that you're never scared? The voice is a boy's a trickle of a memory. He's maybe eleven, or twelve. His face comes in fractured snapshots. In flickers. But the memory of his voice is crystal clear.

Who says that I'm not? Ellie answers. Her voice is softer, higher.]

What're you scared of?

[As Ellie asks it aloud, the boy's face and voice intermingle with hers. Asking the same exact question. The memory fades out.]

[ Glimmer can feel the echo of Ellie's guilt and hurt over failing. Glimmer's is there too--a failure to listen, a failure to be there for the friends who needed her, a failure to protect her world. She is Glimmer, though, and she is so, so strong. Her mother's words hold her up. Help her to keep moving forward. Her grip on Ellie's hand tightens so that it is almost white knuckled. What are you scared of? Ellie asks along with the boy from her memories. ]

I'm scared that I won't be able to get home. I'm scared that Etheria is being torn apart while I'm here and I can't do anything about it.

[ She swallows. She is crying still, tears coming down her face and without thinking she shifts closer, buries her face against Ellie's shoulder in search of comfort. ]

I'm scared that I failed; that it's my fault Etheria is in danger. Even if I get home I'll still be trapped in Horde Prime's prison and I won't be able to do anything to make up for it.

[ Her voice grows smaller. There's an impression of harsh words passing between her and Adora. A young man who tells her that to use the Heart of Etheria is wrong. That one hits her the hardest. There's a deep well of care and affection and love for him. It's a trust that permeates her to the very core of her being and the feeling that he does not support her, does not respect her as queen pushes a dagger of pain and anguish deep into her heart. Glimmer turns vindictive. She hurts and wants to hurt back. So she snaps at them, ordering them as their queen not to go off on a rescue mission for one of their other friends, long lost to them. They need to focus on winning the war and the Heart is their best chance to finally save Etheria for good.

They leave anyway. ]

That I won't be able to tell my friends how sorry I am for what I did and said. Like--like with mom.

Edited 2020-11-16 20:13 (UTC)

[Ellie shifts her chair -- the table is small, so when Glimmer reaches for her, it's not hard to move into reach. She wraps an arm around her waist, her fingers still returning Glimmer's tight grip. She tries her best to blank herself out and just -- just let herself feel it.

It's terrifying, opening herself up like this. Feeling all of this pain, all of this heartbreak, all of this self-recrimination and horrible guilt. Fear and failure, the desperation of being backed into a corner, of others not seeing how much she needs to do this, even if it's horrible and wrong, surely the ends will justify the means, she can't stop now, not when she's already come so far-

Ellie comes up breathless, trembling, her skin itching, her arm tight around Glimmer. She makes sure her fingernails stop digging into Glimmer's skin. Takes a deep breath, and lets it out. She doesn't let go.]

... don't count yourself out yet. It's not over.

[ Glimmer's breath catches. Her chest feels tight and there's so much going on in her head that she needs to pull away at last. Like coming up for air. She reluctantly pulls herself away, though fingers linger, laying over the cybernetic replacements on Ellie's hand. To touch is to connect, but there is such a thing as too much and she fears that it may be overwhelming Ellie. Her eyes ache from the sting of tears. ]

It just feels like I'm in this... this really dark tunnel or something and I don't know how I'm going to get out yet, but I just have to keep going. It's so exhausting, though.

[ A breath, heavy and uncertain. ]

I--I apologized to Adora but she doesn't remember any of it so it doesn't feel real. How can she forgive me for something she doesn't know happened?

[Glimmer's right, and she hates that she's right, but she needed to come up for air, too. It's all so close, just a step to the side of everything that's too familiar, and it all hurts. Like salt in raw wounds. But she can sit, she can listen. She can even touch her again.

She just can't do everything at once. Not yet.

Ellie curls her fingers around Glimmer's, holding on as best she can. For the first time, she's thankful for the injury, and that very thought is profoundly unsettling.]

... because she cares about you.

[Ellie lifts her eyes to take in Glimmer's face.]

When you care about someone, you can't always forgive them. Or live with them. But you always want to try.

[Ellie looks down at the table, drawing the fingernails of her free hand along the edge, picking at it.]

And sometimes the road to forgiveness is that long, dark tunnel. You're not going to be in the same place when you come out the other side, but you can't let yourself stop there, either.

Yeah. I love her, Ellie.

[ It's said without hesitation or embarrassment. A raw, unfiltered statement of intent, of truth. She loves Adora, fiercely and without reserve. As a friend, maybe as more, but first as a friend who she would throw herself on any number of grenades for as long as it meant she could be safe and happy. ]

And I hate that I'm still in the dark here. Like... I can't really forgive myself for what I did because. No one who has the right to forgive me has actually done it yet. Not in a way that feels real.

[ She looks down at her fruit cup and ponders the colors and shapes within. Maybe there is guidance there or at least distraction. ]

I just have to keep going one step at a time.

[Ellie listens. Glimmer says it so easily -- she loves her. It's a tug in Ellie's heart, a deep and abiding ache. She feels like a fucking fraud, trying to give Glimmer advice when she herself is such a goddamn disaster, and doesn't have any idea of how to offer hope or encouragement.

All she can do is listen, so she listens.]

Yeah.

[Ellie breathes out the word. She wishes she had something better for her. Something that didn't feel like the canned, empty platitudes. So Ellie just shoves it all out of her head, and does her best.]

You think that maybe you're being hard on yourself because they aren't?

I'm hard on myself because I messed up. None of them have... no one has yelled at me about it or confronted me and--I don't know, I guess I just feel like I'm waiting for it to happen so it can be done. I want them to do it!

[ Glimmer groans, covers her face with her hands. ]

It doesn't make sense, the way we're all from different times. Or at least, we all remember different amounts of the stuff that happened.

[Ellie knows that feeling -- wanting someone to be angry. To take things out on her because it felt like what she deserved. So many things were her fault, and it hurt all the more that nobody outright blamed her.

It made he worried that they all blamed her, privately.

Ellie runs a hand down Glimmer's back, rubbing her through the barrier of her shirt.]

When are they from?

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