sparklequeen | Meadowlark Inbox

[Ellie squeezes back, firmly, her chest aching. Glimmer thanking her feels raw, like she's lying to her again about what kind of person she is. She takes a deep breath and lets it out against the back of her shoulder, just holding on.]

I've fucked up more than my fair share. I haven't always done the right thing by the people I cared about.

[Slowly, she blinks a few times, chasing away her vision blurring.]

You're easy to be good to, Glimmer.

I'd be surprised if I met someone who hasn't fucked up.

[ Glimmer does her best to smile. ]

You have to let me be good to you too, though, okay?

[Ellie opens her mouth, closes it, lets the words roll through her and ache as they will. She's going to have to deal with this her whole life, she might as well get used to being a person again, instead of quest.

She'd thought it was hard enough when the quest came from the best of intentions. The past two years are tougher to swallow. She's not sure she can promise what Glimmer asks, but she can try.

Glimmer's trying, after everything she's been through. She can too.]

... okay.

Good.

[ Glimmer is hurting, but some part of her still demands that she reach out and do her best to help comfort those around her. Especially those who are her friends. She smiles at Ellie, despite her tears and despite her worries. She's the queen--she has to be strong sometimes, right? ]

You deserve it, Ellie.

[Ellie can't help but smile, straightening up. Glimmer's got tears in her eyes, and she still out here, encouraging her.]

So do you.

[Ellie doesn't take her hand from her back, but does give her a somewhat playful look, attempting to lighten the mood.]

Hey, I'm the one comforting you here. You can't turn this around on me, Your Majesty.

Oh, please. Friends support friends. You can't make me stop. Besides, I'm the queen.

[ It's playful and friendly, even if the words do bring a tinge of regret into Glimmer's heart. She gives Ellie a bit of an elbow. ]

Wanna go out on the fire escape? It's a pretty okay view. Or I can show you my magic disappearing bed.

[ It's completely guileless and devoid of innuendo, just Glimmer making a dumb joke. Even if a moment later she realizes what that might sound like and her cheeks turn a little pinker. Thankfully she's been crying so maybe it's not noticable? ]

[Ellie can see the tinge of pain and how Glimmer smiles through it, and it makes her want to hug her all over again -- at least until her elbow-nudge knocks the air out of her. Ellie can't help but laugh. It bursts out of her, scratchy but full-throated and surprised, and she elbows her right back.

... and notices the blush too, even if she decides not to draw any attention to it. Glimmer definitely didn't mean to make anything sound like that.]

Whatever you wanna show me. Magic disappearing bed?

It--It's stupid.

[ Glimmer coughs, then hops to her feet and gestures for Ellie to follow her. Tucked just around the corner from the table is a short stairway leading up to the bathroom and shower--and opposite that is the strange little nook that's her space. Ducking inside, she crouches down and hauls open a trap door with a grunt. Inside, there's a cozy little twin bed that raises up a little higher as the door opens--probably on some kind of attached system. ]

They fold it into the floor to save space, so you can like, sit in here and work or hang out or whatever during the day.

[ She sits down cross legged on the mattress, which is sunken into the floor. Smiles. ]

Tah-dah!

Edited 2020-11-20 16:55 (UTC)

It's not.

[Ellie says it immediately, then follows, kneeling down next to the nook to see properly. Her eyes widen as Glimmer pulls the bed out. It's a brilliant contraption, probably one her place would have had, had it had a few more upgrades. But she likes it -- it's the kind of place she'd appreciate if it were her own.

... even if it's kind of out in the open, and she shares the space with two other people. Ellie settles down in that kneeling crouch, reaches out to pat the blankets thoughtfully.

Her smile softens, and she looks from the bed to Glimmer.]

It's really cool.

[And Ellie wants to ask about what Glimmer had back home, but senses that that's not the most comfortable topic right now. So instead-]

... back in the QZ they had these little rooms with bunkbeds. And in Jackson I had this... garage. It wasn't as nice looking as this apartment, or even my place here in the city. But it fit.

It's not much, but it's mine. Catra and Adora share the room next door.

[ She gestures towards the wall and smiles. ]

It's cozy, though. And comfortable. Plus I get to share with my friends, which is better than living alone, I think.

[ There's a soft sigh. ]

I mean, I guess Catra is my friend now? Maybe? I don't know.

Maybe?

[Ellie flops next to her, stretching out one leg and resting her forearm across the other, looking and Glimmer thoughtfully.]

I mean, stuff's complicated between you two, but it sounds like you look out for each other.

[ Oh. The girl she likes is next to her on her bed. How did this happen? Oh gods. Glimmer distracts herself by picking at a stray thread one one of her sheets, gaze sliding away from Ellie. Even if the weight of her on the mattress and the warmth of her are distinctly palpable. ]

We're the only ones from Etheria here. We have to look out for each other, even if... even if I don't know how I really feel about her. I try to be friends for Adora's sake, though. And because fighting our war here wouldn't help anyone.

[Oh, shit. Maybe too close. Ellie glances away too, wills away the heat in her cheeks. It shows easily; makes her freckles stand out.]

... it's good that you're able to do that. Put stuff aside.

If someone from home showed up here, I-

[Well. Ellie takes a deep breath, lets it out.]

It would depend on who it was. But I'd want them to be able to find me. That's why my last name is what it is on the network.

[ Glimmer is doing her best not to blush and it's not working. Fuck. FUCK. She tilts her head towards Ellie, her cheeks bright pink, then seems to sit up a little straighter in stark surprise. ]

Your real last name isn't Miller?

[ That's weird? She thinks it's supposed to be weird? ]

I mean, my real last name isn't Moon. I don't even really have a last name, they just assigned it to me.

Well... no, not exactly. But yeah, you told me you didn't have a last name when we first met, and that they assigned you one, so-

[Ellie fidgets with her fingers, looking down at them, missing Glimmer's blush. Her own is gone, lost in thinking about things.]

I never used mine at all, after the military. But Joel's last name was Miller.

[Ellie fidgets with her fingers again, pressing on the side of her wrist with a sigh.]

It's stupid, probably- but nobody I know would know Ellie Williams. But if someone I know saw Ellie Miller on the network, they'd find me right away.

... and I just thought.

I don't know. That it would- make him happy.

[Which is fucking stupid, because he's dead, and he never existed in this universe. How's he going to know? But it makes Ellie feel closer to him, helps her remember. Maybe that's what it really is about.]

[ Glimmer listens, the moment passing her by as she tries to digest what Ellie is telling her. There's no hesitation as she reaches out and lays her hand on Ellie's back, squarely on her shirt, and begins to move it in slow circles. She wants to help--to comfort. And she can't just hug Ellie so this is the next best thing. ]

I think he would be happy. I know that it might... I dunno. Feel silly because he's gone but... I think about my mom a lot. How she would feel about the things I do. I'd want to make her happy.

[ She pauses, her voice drops into a quieter tone, introspective and thoughtful almost. ]

I think it's an important way of remembering the people we've lost.

[It is comforting. The warmth of Glimmer's hand, the closeness of her next to her, the faint scent of Glimmer's soap on the sheets.

She thinks about what she said, and nods, feeling something almost restful. Glimmer gets it.]

It's been two years and I'm... I still think about him. I still miss him. All the time.

[The wistful look disappears. Glimmer should know.]

Joel wasn't a good guy. He made a lot of enemies... burned a lot of bridges. He hurt and killed a lot of people and not all of them deserved it. A lot of them didn't.

[Ellie swallows the lump in her throat, rubbing her palms together.]

There's things I'm not sure I'm ever going to be able to forgive him for. When he died, I hadn't... come to terms with a lot of things. I still haven't.

[ Glimmer doesn't quite get it. What she does understand is that Joel was close to Ellie, that he meant quite a lot to her, and that now he was gone. She leans over a little, lets her clothed side press into Ellie. A reminder that she's here and listening. ]

And it feels like you'll never be able to now that he's gone, right?

[Ellie leans back into her, a lump in her throat. She didn't mean to start talking about Joel -- probably the same way Glimmer didn't meant to talk about her mom while they were having lunch -- and she hesitates for a second, but then lets herself settle into Glimmer's warmth.]

... exactly.

[And it occurs to her that Glimmer does get it. Ellie shuts her eyes for longer than a second.]

If he were still here, then we could do it together. Even if he'd be really shitty at it.

[Ellie breaks to laugh, a caught and painful sound that holds that echo of love, all the same. It sounds wet, but she keeps back the threat of tears.]

He was so fucking awful about talking.

It sounds like he cared about you a lot, even if he also hurt you a lot.

[ Glimmer speaks softly, trying to be soft and soothing and understanding. She's not as good at this as other people--she has a feeling Perfuma would know exactly what to say, could offer some breathing exercise or blend of tea that would help focus and process the memories. She's out of her depth, but Ellie is her friend.

She has to try. ]

My mom would try to talk to me, but I... I never wanted to listen. I always felt like she was holding me back. Or that she was scared. It's not the same, but... I think I understand.

Yeah. He cared about me more than the rest of the world combined.

[It sounds like a saying, but just off enough to make it not hit quite right. Not "he cared about me more than anything in the world" but "more than the rest of the world", and that distinction is so specific.

Ellie rubs Glimmer's back with a nod, thinking back.]

Joel wasn't ever scared for himself, but he worried about me all the time. He used to give Jesse hell about my patrols, trying to get him to keep me out of the dangerous spots. I remember being... so pissed at him, for all the ways he kept trying to protect me.

That... reminds me of Mom. She was always trying to take care of me, trying to make sure that I wasn't in danger. Probably because she lost my dad.

[ Glimmer sighs quietly, a small smile coming to her face. ]

That's probably why I met Adora though? She sent me somewhere supposedly quiet, then it turned out not to be and she got mad because I was fighting. I just wanted to yell at her that I didn't need protection.

[Ellie looks at her, a small, thoughtful smile on her face.]

Does it hurt a little now, when somebody else tries to protect you?

[ The question actually seems to surprise Glimmer. She blinks, her expression turning soft and pensive as she thinks. ]

...Yeah, a little. I think maybe that's why things got so awful between me and Bow and Adora. I felt like they were trying to protect me even though I didn't need protecting. It was like they were stifling me and ignoring me. I just wanted them to listen.

[ She sighs. ]

I just... I guess I just want people to listen to me and believe me when I say I can handle something.

Edited 2020-11-21 04:08 (UTC)

[Ellie thinks back to how she was after Joel died; the only reason she didn't push Dina away was because she hadn't tried to hold her back. She hadn't even gone to Jesse at all, afraid that he'd try to stop her.

She'd lashed out at Tommy and Maria. Pushed Tommy, guilted him, hurt him when he'd been trying to make the smart choice.]

When you're hurting that bad, nobody knows what to do with you, or what to say.

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