sparklequeen | Meadowlark Inbox

[In truth, Ellie's been braced for this question ever since she arrived. Everyone's been too polite to ask, and she's appreciated the reprieve, but it's only made things feel worse. They must be imagining something horrible and traumatic happening to her. Some accident, or...

Ellie's told herself she'll tell the truth. Lying to Glimmer doesn't cross her mind. But she still stares up at the ceiling, gripping the sheets.]

It's okay.

[Ellie lapses back into silence, gathering her thoughts. When she speaks, her voice is steady, but a little distant, like she's recalling it happening to somebody else.]

... I was drowning the person who killed Joel. She -- bit them off. While she was trying to get away.

It was a few months before I came here.

[ Glimmer wasn't sure what she had expected as an answer. What she gets is not what it was, though. There's a sudden tension in her body, an uncertainty. She understands the feeling--the desire to take hold of the person who hurt her, who hurt her family, and simply hurt them back. Thinks of how she gladly would have blasted Catra into pieces if she had been given the chance. She swallows. ]

Did she... um...

[ Gods. How does one ask this? "Did you kill her?" is what she wants to ask but she can't find the courage to actually say those words. She settles for the implication. ]

Did she get away?

[Somehow, Ellie appreciates that Glimmer has the courage to ask, instead of dropping the subject. It makes her feel sick, looking back on it, thinking of it. She hadn't been... all there. Hadn't been right, at the time.

Ellie isn't sure that she's right now, or has been for a long while.]

No. I let her go.

[Ellie swallows back the lump in her throat. And because she doesn't want Glimmer thinking she's some kind of forgiving saint, she shuts her eyes.]

... I killed all the others, though. Her friends. Everybody who helped her.

[Ellie swallows again, and shuts her eyes. She might lose Glimmer. If she does, then maybe that's for the best, it happening like this. This early, before Glimmer puts her whole heart into this.

So she commits to it, like she committed to the acid. Like she's burning something away. Suspends her feelings.]

Anybody who was in my way.

[ Glimmer doesn't gasp but there's a little rush of breath, a tension in her that coils tighter as Glimmer listens. One hand grips at the bedding, twisting it in an attempt to keep herself anchored here. Ellie has killed people, has followed revenge to its natural conclusion. She went after the people that hurt her and hurt them even worse in return. ]

Oh.

[ Glimmer's voice is soft. Despite the heavy feeling settling into the pit of her stomach, she is glad she asked. Even if she never went that far down that road, she knows why Ellie did, knows the feelings that motivate that much anger and grief. She swallows. ]

It must have been hard.

[ Does she mean the killing? Or does she mean letting the other person go? Glimmer isn't sure herself. Maybe she means both. It's hard to imagine sweet, funny, dorky Ellie killing people but then, Ellie might think it hard to imagine Glimmer fighting in and leading a war. ]

[Glimmer's voice is so soft, and she's coiled next to her. A knot of tension. She can hear her swallowing, almost feel the backdraft of her thoughts going a mile a minute.

Meanwhile, Ellie feels... empty. It just feels heavy, like a weight pressing down. All that guilt and grief and sadness without the fire to keep her burning. She doesn't feel sorry for herself. Not for this -- there is some kind of horrible finality in knowing that at least, it's over. That this is what's left.]

It's really not.

[And that's probably what's fucked up about all of this. Ellie makes herself let go of the sheets so she won't wrinkle them, touch her hands together. Her skin itches.]

Hurting somebody. Killing them. It's really easy.

The hard part is after.

[ Glimmer doesn't know quite what to think. She's been in a war. She has no doubt that she's hurt people, even perhaps killed them. It feels different, though, from this deeply personal revenge that Ellie has described. The idea of it makes her feel anxious, taut, uncertain. At the same time the idea of leaving aside Ellie and abandoning her over this--something she clearly regrets, from what Glimmer can tell--doesn't sit well with her. Not when she can so easily see how she would have taken the same path without the others to help her. One hand reaches out, trembling, and snags the hem of Ellie's shirt. A reassurance in spite of everything that she is present. ]

You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to.

[ She takes a slow breath and tries to calm her rapidly beating heart. ]

I--I think I know what you mean, when you say it's easy. When you're hurt and angry and sad it's--you don't think. You just want someone else to maybe feel as bad as you do.

[ She's quiet for a long moment. Swallows down a thick, unhappy feeling in her throat. ]

You must have been hurting a lot.

Edited 2020-11-21 22:32 (UTC)

[Ellie can see the tremor in Glimmer's hand. Feel it when she grips her shirt, even though this has to be hard for her. Her stomach flips over and she feels more than a little sick. Even if this is terrifying it feels like Glimmer's ready to forgive her, without knowing. Just like that.

It's tempting to leave it here, to let her think that's all she did, but. The ache in her throat won't let her. Jesse's memory won't let her. Tommy's eyes and Dina's tears and all those sleepless nights.]

It was more than that. I was obsessed, and nobody could talk me out of it. I didn't stop. I couldn't.

[Ellie swallows again, staring up at the ceiling.]

They tortured Joel and killed him in front of me. So I did the same thing. I did worse. And I did it over and over again, even when it brought my friends into the line of fire.

[Ellie can feel the bile rising up the back of her throat, and has to stop.]

[ Glimmer feels shaken. It would be hard not to. Ellie is baring herself, some of the darkest part of her. The darkness frightens her--it feels so much like the things that she has seen her enemies do. The things she has wanted to do in her own dark moments, though she has never quite followed through on such impulses. She listens to Ellie. She hesitates, laying still, barely breathing. ]

Ellie...

[ She shifts her weight, pushes herself up into a sitting position. Looks down at where Ellie lays on the mattress. She hesitates there, not sure what to say, what to do. She feels uncertain, helpless, almost. This is so much. There is fear, yes. Disgust. A wretched feeling of having a rug torn from under her. And yet at the same time there is sympathy, concern, care. A desire to comfort. For all that Ellie admits, she seems full of regret. No, she can't hesitate. She shouldn't. Without thinking, Glimmer throws her arms around Ellie, embracing her heedless of the touch of skin. There are tears pricking in her eyes, sympathetic and horrified and grief-stricken all at once. She hasn't the words to say what she wants to convey. ]

I'm sorry.

[ The words are so inadequate, but the emotion that pours between them might make up for it. It is a confused jumble of sympathy and pity, fear and concern, care, affection, and so many other things she can't describe. She buries her face against Ellie's hair, holding tight. Assuming Ellie doesn't push her away. ]

I'm sorry, Ellie.

[Ellie braces herself on the mattress as Glimmer sits up, the breath caught in her chest. She's waiting for Glimmer to ask her to get out, to give her space to think about what she heard, or just- any number of things that she thinks should happen, because Glimmer is a good person and Ellie just fucking confessed to torturing people.

And then Glimmer comes bodily down on top of her, covering her like a blanket, holding her down like gravity's turned off and she's the only thing keeping her from flying off the face of the earth.

Ellie can't breathe, because the wave of emotions that hit her are so much, and not all of it's good. It's complicated and tangled and painful and afraid, and even so, even with all of that, it breaks something in her, a tiny little snap that means a chink in her armor, a breach in the wall.

It's that monumental guilt and horror and disgust, it's flashes and fragments of coming back to the theater with bloody, shaking hands, and Dina hugging her like this, and Ellie holding up her hands because she can't bear to touch her when her hands are covered in Nora's blood. It's the feeling of utter terror as Dina cleans her up in the back of the dressing room, holding her while tears ran down Ellie's face and she whispers --

I don't want to lose you.

And even as she says it there is that profound, earthshaking sense of loss, because she did, and it was her own fucking fault.

Ellie closes her arms around Glimmer, holding on so tight it has to hurt.

... she doesn't want to lose her.]

Edited 2020-11-22 05:21 (UTC)

[ There aren't words that Glimmer feels make sense in this frantic moment of tangled fear and hope and grief and pain. There is too much happening and it is all she can do to anchor herself to Ellie, to try and hold her and hopefully keep her from slipping free. She has a feeling Ellie is at least partially telling her this in a bid to make sure that Glimmer knows so that Glimmer can reject her now. Is that her thought or something she's getting from Ellie through the emotional exchange? She can't tell and she's not sure it matters anymore.

The tangled pieces of memory flit between them. Glimmer confronted by her friends and refusing to let go of her idea, obsessed with finally ending the war. Glimmer threatening someone with magic. Someone helpless, unable to resist any longer. Fragments of her own obsession and helplessness and grief-driven desire to fix things. She trembles, holds Ellie closer. ]

I don't want to lose you.

[ The words are hers. Are Ellie's. Are Dina's. Are Angella's. So many voices all speaking the same words to different people and to the same person all at once. She has known Ellie for a bare few weeks and already it feels as if the world might crash down on her if Glimmer were to lose her. ]

Edited 2020-11-22 05:39 (UTC)

[The glow of the connection is caught between them, invisible, but the power strips them both bare, down to the nerves. Though Ellie always knows what memories are hers, getting flashes of Glimmer's always leave her breathless.

This is no different, no less sickening and sad.

Glimmer knows. Even if she hasn't done the things Ellie has, she has been terrible, too. She has been hurtful and terrifying and wrong, and she has brought her world to the brink-

And when it all boils down to it, they are just two people, both here and feeling desperately alone, feeling like someone else finally fucking gets it.

Glimmer's right. Ellie did tell her this now, because she can't bear the thought of her leaving later, when she's dug her way under Ellie's skin and into her veins, because Ellie knows she's going to. As surely as she knows her laugh and her thoughtfulness and how her voice changes when she's upset and how she likes to touch Ellie when she's close.

Ellie hugs her back, tighter. Breathlessly afraid.]

... okay.

[ Glimmer digs herself in closer against Ellie. She doesn't want to let go, even if all the confusing, terrifying flashes of memory and raw emotion are opening her up and leaving her bare and naked in a way that nothing else ever has. She needs Ellie to understand. Despite all the awful that they have done, the people they have hurt in the name of obsession, and because of their desire to try and put right a world that was through no fault of theirs turned upside-down, they're still worthy of love. Still worth of care and compassion and friendship and so much more.

Maybe Glimmer needs Ellie to believe it so that Glimmer can as well. She breathes. It's all she can do now. Her own feeling are laid bare, the want, the blushes and uncertainty and the raw nerves that come from not being sure if you can afford to upset the delicate balance of a friendship. The desire to help, to hold, to support. All of her. All of her is here and Glimmer feels so small and vulnerable. There's relief, tears springing fresh all over again at Ellie's single response. ]

Okay.

[ She repeats the word back and buries her face against Ellie's shoulder, still crying. ]

Okay.

[ What else can she say? ]

[Glimmer's tears wet Ellie's shoulder and neck, leave her shirt damp, and Ellie wraps her arms around her, splaying her hand to span her shoulder blades, giving in and reaching up with the other to tangle in her hair.

It puts Ellie's cheek against her ear, her lips and nose in her hair as she breathes out, lets Glimmer's feelings of want and uncertainty roll over her without an ounce of surprise; because it's the way Ellie feels too. Having her this close is difficult, though, in a different way-

Because Ellie's hesitation comes less from the world around them, and from a deep wellspring of tangled love and hurt and grief and guilt and longing and self-hatred that hasn't come up yet, and it all catches in Ellie's throat. No matter how much she wants this, she's far from ready for it.]

[ The complicated mess of emotion feels like being tossed into the middle of the ocean, towering waves threatening to crash down at any moment. She clings to Ellie for a few moments longer, then slowly, reluctantly, tugs herself back and away. She sits back onto the mattress and reaches up to wipe at her eyes. ]

S-Sorry.

[ She scrubs her eyes again. Everything about this feels so intense. ]

I just--I know--

[ How does she put into words what has just been expressed through pure emotion. ]

I want us to keep being friends.

[It's a blink-and-you'll-miss-it, but there's a flicker of aching loss as Glimmer moves back and out of Ellie's arms, their fingertips brushing as she situates herself, sitting up, and Ellie slowly works up to a sitting position, her shirt rumbled and her face flushed and her eyes not completely dry.

It's a fucking confusing tangle, but she nods, even before Glimmer's done saying it aloud.]

Yeah, me too.

[Ellie feels thoroughly emotionally thrashed, and it's left her reeling, not quite able to find her emotional feet underneath her. It's both a relief to be alone inside her own head, and desperately lonely.

She takes a few deep breaths, tracks her eyes up to Glimmer's face, and reaches out with her left hand, curling her last two fingers against Glimmer's hand.

Even if she doesn't know where to begin, she's just... grateful, more than anything, that this somehow didn't break them.]

[ Glimmer lets her fingers curl around the offered artificial touch. it's something, at least--something less totally encompassing than the maelstrom of overwhelming emotion that had washed over them seconds before. Being alone in her head is, as with Ellie's experience, both a relief and desperately lonely. She swallows, feels worn down and exhausted. It feels strange, knowing how they both feel and yet somehow still feeling awkward and uncertain. Wants to kiss Ellie. Wants to hold her close and say damn the future and damn whatever this stupid fucking city throws at them, let her be happy for a little while.

At the same time that is too much. She is acutely aware of how Ellie feels now in a way that almost feels intrusive. Ellie is still reeling from what's happened to her, still needs time to process and to heal, perhaps. She smiles. Or tries to. ]

We're gonna be okay.

[ She says that instead, because it's the best thing she can think of. ]

[The exhaustion in Glimmer's eyes is what has Ellie squeezing with her fingertips, answering with a tired half-smile. She still can't help but think that there's a chance Glimmer will want to leave once she knows the whole story- but maybe Ellie will always feel that way, on some level. Maybe she'll never feel like she deserves something good, or trust that it won't disappear because Ellie can't trust herself not to self-sabotage.

But this is the closest she's come to feeling like someday, maybe, things might have a shot of being okay.

... and maybe it's fucked up to put so much importance on this, considering it's not the most elegant confession of crush, but. The confirmation that Glimmer's into her too, is. Complicated. It feels nice, but with an undercurrent of self-disgust that she can't seem to shake.

It doesn't make her want to kiss Glimmer any less. Maybe it's fucked up, but it feels better, knowing she's not alone in this tangled web of emotional bullshit.

The bridge of Ellie's nose wrinkles, and she tries to keep back a completely fucking inappropriate laugh.]

Jesus. I came over to try and make you feel better, and it feels like I threw a fucking molotov on it instead.

[Why are they like this?]

[ Glimmer laughs along with Ellie. It feels good to laugh, to express an emotion that doesn't feel exhausting and negative. She leans forward, her free hand covering her face in exasperation. Gods, look at the pair of them. They're so hopeless. ]

I think you did make me feel better.

[ Wait. ]

What's a molotov?

[Ellie can't help it, she gives a real laugh, breathless and hard, because of course Glimmer wouldn't know.]

Shit, sorry. It's when you stuff a rag into a bottle of liquor, then light it on fire. You can throw it anything else you want to set on fire.

So I just...

[Ellie shakes her head, miming an explosion all over the floor.]

[ Glimmer smiles when she hears Ellie laugh. It feels like a relief to see some genuine joy and happiness after the emotional turmoil they've been through. As Ellie explains, her eyes get a little wide. Then she breaks out into giggles, leaning over to nudge up against Ellie again as she does. Involuntarily, of course. ]

That sounds about right.

[ Her head tilts over a little and she meets Ellie's gaze from very close. Her cheeks turn pink and she moves to sit up straight again, her whole body radiating embarrassment. ]

Sorry.

[Ellie lays a hand on the small of Glimmer's back as she leans in close, just on reflex, and drops it when she backs up.

The movement leaves them both flushed, short of breath, and Ellie breaks eye contact.]

Sorry.

[She says it almost at the same time, her heart leaping to somewhere in her throat. Fuck. Fuck, she can't help but think that she's about to screw this up in a completely stupid and different way.]

... we should- probably talk about. That.

[The thing. God. How is she like this? But she'd rather be awkward as fuck about it than just... exist in this fucking limbo, like one of those stupid novels.]

Yeah. Yeah, you're right.

[ Glimmer gives a nod. It's sharp and hurried, and she feels a sharp stab of anxiety in her gut despite everything. She knows more now but all the same it feels as if she's about to step off a cliff and she can't see what's at the bottom. She reaches up to run at her own upper arm and takes a breath. She has to say something now, she feels, or maybe she'll never say it at all. ]

I... I really like you. I know it's only been a few weeks but--but you make me laugh and smile and hanging out with you I just, um...

[ Words trail away. Awkward. ]

I really want to kiss you? And--but--but I don't want to fuck up our friendship. And I don't want to rush you into something if you don't feel ready. And I feel like maybe I'm moving too fast and oh my gods I'm an idiot, I'm sorry.

[ There she said it! ]

Edited 2020-11-23 01:27 (UTC)

[It's -- not what Ellie's expecting. All over again, Glimmer surprises her, by spilling everything out, putting her heart on the line, and just... fucking saying it.

Had this been before Joel's death, Ellie would have kissed her in a fucking heartbeat. Hell, she would have kissed her long before this, taken the plunge and damned the consequences, because life is too goddamn short.

... but she's not that person anymore. And frankly, she's not sure who she is now.

So Ellie reaches for her hands, and takes them both in hers, squeezing tightly, and just... lets those feelings rush between them. It's both terrifying and cathartic. It brings a lump to her throat, and she looks up and into Glimmer's eyes.]

Glimmer... I want to.

[Her voice catches, and she looks away, has to drag herself back, to look her in the eyes.]

But if I start something with the way I am right now, I'm gonna be a fucking disaster.

[The flashes come through, fractured pieces of that cold early morning, and Dina's tears, and the way she begged her to stay. The sinking, empty awfulness that says that Ellie didn't. The warm brown eyes of a little boy that she misses with a dry-socket, constant ache. How much they're still on her mind and in her heart, even if Dina -- rightfully -- wouldn't take her back.]

[ Glimmer's heart squeezes into itself, flips over as she feels Ellie's hands in hers. It is warm and terrifying and exhilarating all at once. She can feel the now-familiar mingling of emotions that aren't hers and yet are hers at the same time. She squeezes tight and does her best just to listen.

"I want to," Ellie says and her heart soars for a brief moment before she realizes she can hear the 'but' in the other's voice. There's a feeling of sinking downwards, embarrassment mingling with an awkward feeling of having overstepped her boundaries. It becomes clearer in the tangled pieces of memory that accompany Ellie's words. Another relationship, someone else that Ellie loved. A child, maybe even Ellie's? Does it matter, with how much Glimmer can feel the emptiness that his absence has left in Ellie's heart. So she squeezes Ellie's hands and fights down her own selfish feelings; fights down her disappointment and the heartache of puppy love denied a chance to flower in the moment. She has to focus on Ellie--and supporting her. ]

I--

[ Her voice catches a little in return, because it does sting no matter the reason. Rejection is not fun or easy but she understands and wants to be a good friend to Ellie, no matter what is happening. ]

I understand. I don't--I wouldn't want you to rush into anything especially if it would just hurt you more. And it's not like I'm going anywhere, right?

[ She laughs because she has to find some way of letting herself vent. It's a bit of amusement at her own stupid joke about being stuck here but also bit of pain finding solace in self-directed mockery. At the least she is out of tears, so she can't make an embarrassment of herself by crying all over Ellie's shoulder about being rejected. ]

I still, um... Can we still keep being friends? I get it if--if I made things too weird and you need space, though.

[ Even if it stings. ]

[Ellie can feel the sense of rejection and disappointment just as acutely as if she were the one in Glimmer's shoes. It doesn't make any of this easy to swallow -- but hopefully, Glimmer can feel just how hard it was to say. How much she wanted to give a different answer.

How much part of her still wants to give a different answer, to lean into the offered closeness, despite how much the idea of someone caring about her still carries a vague sense of panic.

Holding her hands through this is a fucking trip, because she doesn't have to wonder if Glimmer really means it when she says she's not going anywhere. How much she wants them to stay close; how she'll give Ellie space if she just says the word. The sincerity is breathtaking, and Ellie feels raw with the gratitude and sheer relief that bleeds back through their connection.

Ellie may not always say much, compared to Glimmer. Especially about her feelings. But everything she feels, she feels it with her whole heart.]

I'm not going anywhere, unless you want me to.

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