sparklequeen | Meadowlark Inbox

[ Glimmer lets her fingers curl around the offered artificial touch. it's something, at least--something less totally encompassing than the maelstrom of overwhelming emotion that had washed over them seconds before. Being alone in her head is, as with Ellie's experience, both a relief and desperately lonely. She swallows, feels worn down and exhausted. It feels strange, knowing how they both feel and yet somehow still feeling awkward and uncertain. Wants to kiss Ellie. Wants to hold her close and say damn the future and damn whatever this stupid fucking city throws at them, let her be happy for a little while.

At the same time that is too much. She is acutely aware of how Ellie feels now in a way that almost feels intrusive. Ellie is still reeling from what's happened to her, still needs time to process and to heal, perhaps. She smiles. Or tries to. ]

We're gonna be okay.

[ She says that instead, because it's the best thing she can think of. ]

[The exhaustion in Glimmer's eyes is what has Ellie squeezing with her fingertips, answering with a tired half-smile. She still can't help but think that there's a chance Glimmer will want to leave once she knows the whole story- but maybe Ellie will always feel that way, on some level. Maybe she'll never feel like she deserves something good, or trust that it won't disappear because Ellie can't trust herself not to self-sabotage.

But this is the closest she's come to feeling like someday, maybe, things might have a shot of being okay.

... and maybe it's fucked up to put so much importance on this, considering it's not the most elegant confession of crush, but. The confirmation that Glimmer's into her too, is. Complicated. It feels nice, but with an undercurrent of self-disgust that she can't seem to shake.

It doesn't make her want to kiss Glimmer any less. Maybe it's fucked up, but it feels better, knowing she's not alone in this tangled web of emotional bullshit.

The bridge of Ellie's nose wrinkles, and she tries to keep back a completely fucking inappropriate laugh.]

Jesus. I came over to try and make you feel better, and it feels like I threw a fucking molotov on it instead.

[Why are they like this?]

[ Glimmer laughs along with Ellie. It feels good to laugh, to express an emotion that doesn't feel exhausting and negative. She leans forward, her free hand covering her face in exasperation. Gods, look at the pair of them. They're so hopeless. ]

I think you did make me feel better.

[ Wait. ]

What's a molotov?

[Ellie can't help it, she gives a real laugh, breathless and hard, because of course Glimmer wouldn't know.]

Shit, sorry. It's when you stuff a rag into a bottle of liquor, then light it on fire. You can throw it anything else you want to set on fire.

So I just...

[Ellie shakes her head, miming an explosion all over the floor.]

[ Glimmer smiles when she hears Ellie laugh. It feels like a relief to see some genuine joy and happiness after the emotional turmoil they've been through. As Ellie explains, her eyes get a little wide. Then she breaks out into giggles, leaning over to nudge up against Ellie again as she does. Involuntarily, of course. ]

That sounds about right.

[ Her head tilts over a little and she meets Ellie's gaze from very close. Her cheeks turn pink and she moves to sit up straight again, her whole body radiating embarrassment. ]

Sorry.

[Ellie lays a hand on the small of Glimmer's back as she leans in close, just on reflex, and drops it when she backs up.

The movement leaves them both flushed, short of breath, and Ellie breaks eye contact.]

Sorry.

[She says it almost at the same time, her heart leaping to somewhere in her throat. Fuck. Fuck, she can't help but think that she's about to screw this up in a completely stupid and different way.]

... we should- probably talk about. That.

[The thing. God. How is she like this? But she'd rather be awkward as fuck about it than just... exist in this fucking limbo, like one of those stupid novels.]

Yeah. Yeah, you're right.

[ Glimmer gives a nod. It's sharp and hurried, and she feels a sharp stab of anxiety in her gut despite everything. She knows more now but all the same it feels as if she's about to step off a cliff and she can't see what's at the bottom. She reaches up to run at her own upper arm and takes a breath. She has to say something now, she feels, or maybe she'll never say it at all. ]

I... I really like you. I know it's only been a few weeks but--but you make me laugh and smile and hanging out with you I just, um...

[ Words trail away. Awkward. ]

I really want to kiss you? And--but--but I don't want to fuck up our friendship. And I don't want to rush you into something if you don't feel ready. And I feel like maybe I'm moving too fast and oh my gods I'm an idiot, I'm sorry.

[ There she said it! ]

Edited 2020-11-23 01:27 (UTC)

[It's -- not what Ellie's expecting. All over again, Glimmer surprises her, by spilling everything out, putting her heart on the line, and just... fucking saying it.

Had this been before Joel's death, Ellie would have kissed her in a fucking heartbeat. Hell, she would have kissed her long before this, taken the plunge and damned the consequences, because life is too goddamn short.

... but she's not that person anymore. And frankly, she's not sure who she is now.

So Ellie reaches for her hands, and takes them both in hers, squeezing tightly, and just... lets those feelings rush between them. It's both terrifying and cathartic. It brings a lump to her throat, and she looks up and into Glimmer's eyes.]

Glimmer... I want to.

[Her voice catches, and she looks away, has to drag herself back, to look her in the eyes.]

But if I start something with the way I am right now, I'm gonna be a fucking disaster.

[The flashes come through, fractured pieces of that cold early morning, and Dina's tears, and the way she begged her to stay. The sinking, empty awfulness that says that Ellie didn't. The warm brown eyes of a little boy that she misses with a dry-socket, constant ache. How much they're still on her mind and in her heart, even if Dina -- rightfully -- wouldn't take her back.]

[ Glimmer's heart squeezes into itself, flips over as she feels Ellie's hands in hers. It is warm and terrifying and exhilarating all at once. She can feel the now-familiar mingling of emotions that aren't hers and yet are hers at the same time. She squeezes tight and does her best just to listen.

"I want to," Ellie says and her heart soars for a brief moment before she realizes she can hear the 'but' in the other's voice. There's a feeling of sinking downwards, embarrassment mingling with an awkward feeling of having overstepped her boundaries. It becomes clearer in the tangled pieces of memory that accompany Ellie's words. Another relationship, someone else that Ellie loved. A child, maybe even Ellie's? Does it matter, with how much Glimmer can feel the emptiness that his absence has left in Ellie's heart. So she squeezes Ellie's hands and fights down her own selfish feelings; fights down her disappointment and the heartache of puppy love denied a chance to flower in the moment. She has to focus on Ellie--and supporting her. ]

I--

[ Her voice catches a little in return, because it does sting no matter the reason. Rejection is not fun or easy but she understands and wants to be a good friend to Ellie, no matter what is happening. ]

I understand. I don't--I wouldn't want you to rush into anything especially if it would just hurt you more. And it's not like I'm going anywhere, right?

[ She laughs because she has to find some way of letting herself vent. It's a bit of amusement at her own stupid joke about being stuck here but also bit of pain finding solace in self-directed mockery. At the least she is out of tears, so she can't make an embarrassment of herself by crying all over Ellie's shoulder about being rejected. ]

I still, um... Can we still keep being friends? I get it if--if I made things too weird and you need space, though.

[ Even if it stings. ]

[Ellie can feel the sense of rejection and disappointment just as acutely as if she were the one in Glimmer's shoes. It doesn't make any of this easy to swallow -- but hopefully, Glimmer can feel just how hard it was to say. How much she wanted to give a different answer.

How much part of her still wants to give a different answer, to lean into the offered closeness, despite how much the idea of someone caring about her still carries a vague sense of panic.

Holding her hands through this is a fucking trip, because she doesn't have to wonder if Glimmer really means it when she says she's not going anywhere. How much she wants them to stay close; how she'll give Ellie space if she just says the word. The sincerity is breathtaking, and Ellie feels raw with the gratitude and sheer relief that bleeds back through their connection.

Ellie may not always say much, compared to Glimmer. Especially about her feelings. But everything she feels, she feels it with her whole heart.]

I'm not going anywhere, unless you want me to.

I--I don't want you to go anywhere.

[ Glimmer smiles. There's relief mingled in the embarrassment and disappointment. Also joy and celebration. A cocktail of emotions that don't always make sense but... she's happy to have them. Happy to have her friend. ]

Gods. I feel so drained.

[ She feels tired. But she also feels better. So much of what she's been worrying about recently has been vented and in a way that doesn't fuck everything up. It's a relief. ]

[It's a lot to sort through, and Glimmer was already strained when this started. Ellie nods, running her thumbs over her knuckles, feeling like she's stealing the touch.

And thankfully, she's actually learned to just ask rather than assuming.]

You want me to stay? Or give you some quiet?

As much as I would love for you to stay...

[ Glimmer smiles weakly. ]

After all that I think I might just need to rest. Have a cup of tea or something.

[ She glances aside for a moment, clearly embarrassed. ]

But, uh, let me know when you get home and if you're still up I'd love to just chat over the network or do a voice call or something. I think I just need some 'me' space. Like, physically?

H'okay.

[Ellie manages a nod, and pulls her hands back, letting Glimmer's go, breaking the connection. Immediately it's easier to breathe, feels like her heart has more space to beat. She gets what Glimmer means.]

I'll call you when I'm home?

[ Glimmer sits back. She wants to reach out again, and at the same time it's a relief to be back inside her own head all alone. Bit lonely, too, but... it's good. She takes a slow, deep breath and nods. ]

Yeah, I'd like that. Thanks for coming over. I mean it.

[Ellie manages a smile back, slowly curling her fingers in, letting her hand drift back to her side, and nods.]

'Course. Whenever you need it.

[With a breath, she gets to her feet, and as she straightens, she reaches into her back pocket, takes out the drawing she showed Glimmer earlier, and leaves it on the sheets.

Ellie takes a moment by the elevator just to close her eyes and breathe, flex out her fingertips, chase away the lingering trembling there.

It's simultaneously a huge weight off her chest, and a different uncertainty added. She doesn't doubt Glimmer so much as herself. She doesn't know where to go from here, except to do what her friend asks.

So Ellie gets home, splashes some water on her face, and flops down onto her bed with her sketchbook, paging through the other work she's done as she calls.]

Hey.

[ Glimmer takes the time to make herself a cup of tea and when the call comes, she's sprawled out on the bed, looking at the drawing. Her eyes keep coming back to it, examining every line and stroke of the pencil, trying to imagine just how Ellie sees her. When the call comes she actually jumps a little--but she answers. ]

Hi. You made it home safe!

[ As if there was any doubt of it. ]

Yep. In this big, scary city filled with sneaky mushroom food carts.

[Ellie's grinning as she says it, hoping that comes through. It's still a marvel to be able to talk to someone all the way across the city, as if she's right here in the room. People had this, back before the outbreak.

They'd had radios, but it wasn't the same. It was personal.]

Watch out, they're gonna feed you Portobellos.

[ Glimmer giggles. ]

This drawing you did is... it's really amazing.

Portawhat's?

[Ellie can't help a laugh too, Glimmer's laugh is just like that. She has to hold her eyes closed for a couple seconds.]

Yeah? I'm really glad you liked it.

Portobellos. They're a type of mushroom that people use for cooking a lot.

[ Glimmer lets her head flop back onto the pillow. Stares up at the ceiling. ]

Of course I liked it! Why wouldn't I?

[Ellie makes an affirmative noise. She's still grossed out by the very thought, but she's slowly starting to come around to the idea. Then again, if Glimmer ever caught sight of a Bloater, maybe she'd be grossed out too.

But she laughs again as she speaks, her tone lighter.]

Look, I can't actually tell whether my drawings are trash anymore. I mostly just -- doodle in my journal.

Well, your doodles are really good.

[ Glimmer's voice gets a little softer. ]

I liked that you drew my eyes a few times. Trying to get them right, you know?

[It's lucky that Glimmer's not there to see her face, the flush in her cheeks, or the quality of her smile. No matter how much she isn't ready, she's still human, and it's nice to actually feel like it.]

Eyes are always the hardest part. I guess I could have asked to take a picture for reference or something, but it never comes out right on film, and then the reference starts getting in the way of what I'm actually trying to draw.

Well, you did amazing with them.

[ It feels nice, like this. The space actually helps her feel a bit more normal. Lets her lean back into the puppy love and not think about all the big, heavy stuff swirling around them. ]

So you can draw. And you can play music. What else can you do that I don't know about yet?

[ "What else do you do that makes you incredibly attractive, Ellie? Fess up." ]

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