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[ Glimmer listens, the moment passing her by as she tries to digest what Ellie is telling her. There's no hesitation as she reaches out and lays her hand on Ellie's back, squarely on her shirt, and begins to move it in slow circles. She wants to help--to comfort. And she can't just hug Ellie so this is the next best thing. ]

I think he would be happy. I know that it might... I dunno. Feel silly because he's gone but... I think about my mom a lot. How she would feel about the things I do. I'd want to make her happy.

[ She pauses, her voice drops into a quieter tone, introspective and thoughtful almost. ]

I think it's an important way of remembering the people we've lost.

[It is comforting. The warmth of Glimmer's hand, the closeness of her next to her, the faint scent of Glimmer's soap on the sheets.

She thinks about what she said, and nods, feeling something almost restful. Glimmer gets it.]

It's been two years and I'm... I still think about him. I still miss him. All the time.

[The wistful look disappears. Glimmer should know.]

Joel wasn't a good guy. He made a lot of enemies... burned a lot of bridges. He hurt and killed a lot of people and not all of them deserved it. A lot of them didn't.

[Ellie swallows the lump in her throat, rubbing her palms together.]

There's things I'm not sure I'm ever going to be able to forgive him for. When he died, I hadn't... come to terms with a lot of things. I still haven't.

[ Glimmer doesn't quite get it. What she does understand is that Joel was close to Ellie, that he meant quite a lot to her, and that now he was gone. She leans over a little, lets her clothed side press into Ellie. A reminder that she's here and listening. ]

And it feels like you'll never be able to now that he's gone, right?

[Ellie leans back into her, a lump in her throat. She didn't mean to start talking about Joel -- probably the same way Glimmer didn't meant to talk about her mom while they were having lunch -- and she hesitates for a second, but then lets herself settle into Glimmer's warmth.]

... exactly.

[And it occurs to her that Glimmer does get it. Ellie shuts her eyes for longer than a second.]

If he were still here, then we could do it together. Even if he'd be really shitty at it.

[Ellie breaks to laugh, a caught and painful sound that holds that echo of love, all the same. It sounds wet, but she keeps back the threat of tears.]

He was so fucking awful about talking.

It sounds like he cared about you a lot, even if he also hurt you a lot.

[ Glimmer speaks softly, trying to be soft and soothing and understanding. She's not as good at this as other people--she has a feeling Perfuma would know exactly what to say, could offer some breathing exercise or blend of tea that would help focus and process the memories. She's out of her depth, but Ellie is her friend.

She has to try. ]

My mom would try to talk to me, but I... I never wanted to listen. I always felt like she was holding me back. Or that she was scared. It's not the same, but... I think I understand.

Yeah. He cared about me more than the rest of the world combined.

[It sounds like a saying, but just off enough to make it not hit quite right. Not "he cared about me more than anything in the world" but "more than the rest of the world", and that distinction is so specific.

Ellie rubs Glimmer's back with a nod, thinking back.]

Joel wasn't ever scared for himself, but he worried about me all the time. He used to give Jesse hell about my patrols, trying to get him to keep me out of the dangerous spots. I remember being... so pissed at him, for all the ways he kept trying to protect me.

That... reminds me of Mom. She was always trying to take care of me, trying to make sure that I wasn't in danger. Probably because she lost my dad.

[ Glimmer sighs quietly, a small smile coming to her face. ]

That's probably why I met Adora though? She sent me somewhere supposedly quiet, then it turned out not to be and she got mad because I was fighting. I just wanted to yell at her that I didn't need protection.

[Ellie looks at her, a small, thoughtful smile on her face.]

Does it hurt a little now, when somebody else tries to protect you?

[ The question actually seems to surprise Glimmer. She blinks, her expression turning soft and pensive as she thinks. ]

...Yeah, a little. I think maybe that's why things got so awful between me and Bow and Adora. I felt like they were trying to protect me even though I didn't need protecting. It was like they were stifling me and ignoring me. I just wanted them to listen.

[ She sighs. ]

I just... I guess I just want people to listen to me and believe me when I say I can handle something.

Edited 2020-11-21 04:08 (UTC)

[Ellie thinks back to how she was after Joel died; the only reason she didn't push Dina away was because she hadn't tried to hold her back. She hadn't even gone to Jesse at all, afraid that he'd try to stop her.

She'd lashed out at Tommy and Maria. Pushed Tommy, guilted him, hurt him when he'd been trying to make the smart choice.]

When you're hurting that bad, nobody knows what to do with you, or what to say.

[ GLimmer tenses a little. Her hand grips at the bedclothes, balls into a taut fist for a brief moment. ]

...When we were getting ready for the coronation no one would even mention my mom or why we even had to crown me in the first place. It was like they were afraid just mentioning her would break me.

[ There's a hint of bitterness in her voice. She had made her peace with it, but it still stung. ]

Fucksake.

[Ellie sighs, deeply. Shuts her eyes for longer than a blink.]

Sounds like an incredibly shitty day to begin with, but that couldn't've helped.

It sucked. I mean... they figured it out eventually but I just wanted to scream the whole time.

[ Glimmer sighs and slowly moves to flop onto her side next to Ellie. The bed is small. She can feel the heat of the other young woman and she's doing her best not to think of it. ]

I know it was because they wanted to protect me, which made it worse.

[It's cramped enough that Ellie can feel Glimmer's body heat next to her thigh. It is a physical, aching effort to stop herself from reaching out and brushing her hair back from where a fluffy lock of it has fallen over the shell of her ear.

Self-control, El.]

What clued them in?

[ It feels strange, laying like this. Almost eye to eye on the small mattress, the closeness of the space pressing in around them, as if to enclose them in their own small world. Despite the heat of the summer evening, Glimmer finds herself wanting to be closer so that she wrap herself in the Ellie's warmth. She swallows. ]

There was this guardian monster I had to get by to finish part of my coronation ceremony. We had to hide in a side room for a minute and I just. Let Adora and Bow know how I was feeling.

[ She fidgets. A pair of fingers touch gingerly at the fabric of Ellie's shirt. ]

I hadn't been recharging my powers because I was afraid that taking all of the power of the Moonstone meant that she was really gone for good. It had been split between us before. I just broke down crying and told them everything. Then we teamed up and we managed to get it done with without too much more trouble, but...

[ Glimmer groans and closes her eyes. ]

I'm glad I only ever had to go through that once.

Edited 2020-11-21 05:37 (UTC)

[Ellie nods, feeling a heaviness sitting hard and horrible inside of her chest. After a moment's consideration, she decides it's best to keep her hands to herself.

Glimmer's fingers find her shirt, just a light tug, and it hurts, just how much Ellie wants to give in, to be closer. The sticky heat and the quiet of the room and the low vulnerability in Glimmer's voice is so tempting. To comfort, to be comforted.

Hurts, how fucking bad of an idea that would be.]

At least you managed to tell them. I just... shut down.

I had to be under a lot of pressure to do it. Until then I was bottling it all up inside.

[ Glimmer's voice is half-muffled as she lays her head back down against the mattress. She wants to sit up and grab onto Ellie. Knows that it's a bad idea. ]

Saying how you feel is hard. It takes practice. You also have to be braver than you'd think because you make yourself so vulnerable. Don't be too hard on yourself.

[Ellie presses her lips together, wanting to start, to say something, to try. If anybody, Glimmer deserves this from her. The truth, or at least a start of it. But it's terrifying.

So, she reaches out, presses her fingertips against Glimmer's side, playfully.]

You're pretty smart.

[It feels like a cop-out. So Ellie heaves a deep sigh, allows herself to fall backwards onto the bed, her feet still on the floor, her shoulder next to Glimmer's legs, Ellie's thigh next to her arm.]

... ask me something. Anything.

[ The touch induces a faint return of pink blush to Glimmer's cheeks. Glimmer watches as Ellie falls back onto the mattress. She's grateful, a little. It makes it easier to ask the question that's been burning at her but she's been too polite to really dig into it. ]

Um.

[ She hesitates, brow furrowing. Then she blurts: ]

What happened to your fingers?

[ Almost instantly, she regrets it. She buries her face into the mattress, feeling hideously embarrassed. ]

You don't have to answer that. Sorry.

Edited 2020-11-21 21:26 (UTC)

[In truth, Ellie's been braced for this question ever since she arrived. Everyone's been too polite to ask, and she's appreciated the reprieve, but it's only made things feel worse. They must be imagining something horrible and traumatic happening to her. Some accident, or...

Ellie's told herself she'll tell the truth. Lying to Glimmer doesn't cross her mind. But she still stares up at the ceiling, gripping the sheets.]

It's okay.

[Ellie lapses back into silence, gathering her thoughts. When she speaks, her voice is steady, but a little distant, like she's recalling it happening to somebody else.]

... I was drowning the person who killed Joel. She -- bit them off. While she was trying to get away.

It was a few months before I came here.

[ Glimmer wasn't sure what she had expected as an answer. What she gets is not what it was, though. There's a sudden tension in her body, an uncertainty. She understands the feeling--the desire to take hold of the person who hurt her, who hurt her family, and simply hurt them back. Thinks of how she gladly would have blasted Catra into pieces if she had been given the chance. She swallows. ]

Did she... um...

[ Gods. How does one ask this? "Did you kill her?" is what she wants to ask but she can't find the courage to actually say those words. She settles for the implication. ]

Did she get away?

[Somehow, Ellie appreciates that Glimmer has the courage to ask, instead of dropping the subject. It makes her feel sick, looking back on it, thinking of it. She hadn't been... all there. Hadn't been right, at the time.

Ellie isn't sure that she's right now, or has been for a long while.]

No. I let her go.

[Ellie swallows back the lump in her throat. And because she doesn't want Glimmer thinking she's some kind of forgiving saint, she shuts her eyes.]

... I killed all the others, though. Her friends. Everybody who helped her.

[Ellie swallows again, and shuts her eyes. She might lose Glimmer. If she does, then maybe that's for the best, it happening like this. This early, before Glimmer puts her whole heart into this.

So she commits to it, like she committed to the acid. Like she's burning something away. Suspends her feelings.]

Anybody who was in my way.

[ Glimmer doesn't gasp but there's a little rush of breath, a tension in her that coils tighter as Glimmer listens. One hand grips at the bedding, twisting it in an attempt to keep herself anchored here. Ellie has killed people, has followed revenge to its natural conclusion. She went after the people that hurt her and hurt them even worse in return. ]

Oh.

[ Glimmer's voice is soft. Despite the heavy feeling settling into the pit of her stomach, she is glad she asked. Even if she never went that far down that road, she knows why Ellie did, knows the feelings that motivate that much anger and grief. She swallows. ]

It must have been hard.

[ Does she mean the killing? Or does she mean letting the other person go? Glimmer isn't sure herself. Maybe she means both. It's hard to imagine sweet, funny, dorky Ellie killing people but then, Ellie might think it hard to imagine Glimmer fighting in and leading a war. ]

[Glimmer's voice is so soft, and she's coiled next to her. A knot of tension. She can hear her swallowing, almost feel the backdraft of her thoughts going a mile a minute.

Meanwhile, Ellie feels... empty. It just feels heavy, like a weight pressing down. All that guilt and grief and sadness without the fire to keep her burning. She doesn't feel sorry for herself. Not for this -- there is some kind of horrible finality in knowing that at least, it's over. That this is what's left.]

It's really not.

[And that's probably what's fucked up about all of this. Ellie makes herself let go of the sheets so she won't wrinkle them, touch her hands together. Her skin itches.]

Hurting somebody. Killing them. It's really easy.

The hard part is after.

[ Glimmer doesn't know quite what to think. She's been in a war. She has no doubt that she's hurt people, even perhaps killed them. It feels different, though, from this deeply personal revenge that Ellie has described. The idea of it makes her feel anxious, taut, uncertain. At the same time the idea of leaving aside Ellie and abandoning her over this--something she clearly regrets, from what Glimmer can tell--doesn't sit well with her. Not when she can so easily see how she would have taken the same path without the others to help her. One hand reaches out, trembling, and snags the hem of Ellie's shirt. A reassurance in spite of everything that she is present. ]

You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to.

[ She takes a slow breath and tries to calm her rapidly beating heart. ]

I--I think I know what you mean, when you say it's easy. When you're hurt and angry and sad it's--you don't think. You just want someone else to maybe feel as bad as you do.

[ She's quiet for a long moment. Swallows down a thick, unhappy feeling in her throat. ]

You must have been hurting a lot.

Edited 2020-11-21 22:32 (UTC)

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