sparklequeen | Meadowlark Inbox

[Ellie swallows back the lump in her throat, the sticky-sweetness of the strawberry, watching Glimmer's eyes, the way she's holding herself.

Nothing Ellie can say will change the situation for her, but- with a slow breath, she lays her hand, palm-up and bare, on the table between them. Her fingers curl somewhat upward, relaxed.

It's a silent, but overt offer. For touch. For sharing emotions -- and hell, if she wants to, even the memories.]

[ Glimmer looks over at Ellie, then down at the hand stretched out across the table. She hesitates, uncertain about whether she even should. There's so much bubbling inside of her as she tries to fight against the unhappy memories that have come to the front of her mind today. But then... Ellie has trusted her. So maybe she can trust Ellie. Glimmer reaches out and lays her hand in the other's, skin warm and soft.

Emotion swirls between the two of them, surging like a wave as anxiety, fear, anger, disgust all war with each other to fight to the front of the line. It's almost overwhelming despite Glimmer's attempts to hold herself back. Memory flashes through their minds. Glimmer sits at a long table, opposite a monstrous, pale figure. He is speaking with a smooth, honeyed voice that sounds like it could be soothing, but instead only draws forth anxiety and fear. Glimmer is eating something, the taste a strange sort of savory umami with a custard like consistency.

"Enjoyable, yes? It's a delicacy from a distant world light-years away from here. It was very much like Etheria."

Surprise, uncertainty, suspicion. She feels like a small animal in the gaze of a predator. She can't look away, she can't run. All she can do is sit here and watch as doom seems to draw closer and closer. What does he mean by that? Why is he bringing up Etheria? Home. Images of the palace, her friends, the beautiful forests and mountains that she misses so deeply and earnestly it might well break one's heart. Homesickness.

"This dish is incredibly rare, as that world no longer exists."

The implication of the words hit Glimmer like a blow to the gut. She feels sick, that she might simply vomit forth the single bite of food she's had in response. Bile rises and somehow she forces it down. Her spoon falls from nerveless fingers as disgust is replaced by fear and grief. He can't. He can't destroy Etheria, she won't let him. But what can she do? She is overwhelmed by fear and uncertainty. Tears well into the corners of her eyes--

Glimmer tugs her hand away, unwilling to subject Ellie to more of the uncontrolled storm of unhappy emotion, her hands retreating to tug tight against her chest. She's silent, shaking a little at how vivid the memory still is, even months later. She has played it over in her head again and again, wondering about home. ]

I--I'm sorry.

Edited 2020-11-16 02:44 (UTC)

[Ellie clasps her hand around Glimmer's, curving her fingers around her wrist. The first brush of feeling alone makes her gasp under her breath.

The quality of the helplessness is... different from what she's used to. This is so much bigger than just her. If Glimmer dies, there's so much riding on her shoulders, so many people who immediately depend on her. The anxiety and fear are heavy, horrible, and Ellie has to swallow down a rising panic, a lingering, awful disgust.

And that's even before the memories hit.

It doesn't take long to absorb what happened, for the memory to imprint itself over her brain, real as the taste suddenly lingering across her tongue, the lurch of her stomach and the acidic taste of threatening vomit.

The tears well up, both in the memory and in Ellie's eyes, so hot and fast that she can't keep them back. They race down her cheeks -- just two, before Glimmer yanks her hand back, breaks their connection and leaves Ellie gasping, reeling with it. She takes a couple of deep breaths... and doesn't pull her hand back.

Instead, she opens her fingers, looking up and into Glimmer's eyes.]

I'm not.

Edited 2020-11-16 05:21 (UTC)

[ It helps a little. A lot? She's not sure. But it helps to have someone else understand on some level why this talk of clones and lifespans would make her feel like as fragile as a piece of glass. She desperately wants to reach out for that hand again. The physical and emotional comfort of sharing the burden is so near and compelling, but she holds herself back. It wouldn't be fair to drop more of it onto Ellie. It just wouldn't. ]

It's just so much. I don't-- I don't want you to feel that way, too. So... helpless.

[ The tears are rolling down her cheeks unimpeded. The helplessness is the worst part. Feeling that there is nothing she can do to truly help. She can only sit in her cell and wait with fear for whatever might come next. Fear and some little hope that still kindles itself in her heart. ]

I know what it is to feel helpless. And to lose somebody, and to feel-

[Ellie takes a deep, rough breath.]

Trapped. It's not the same as the shit you went through. I get that, but-

[Another breath, this time calmer. Ellie flexes her fingers, opens them up again.]

I can take it. Don't worry about me.

[ Glimmer hesitates for a moment. She doesn't question Ellie again verbally though. She just reaches out and takes her hand again, gripping tight. ]

Okay.

[ She'll worry anyway. As they touch, the glow begins to brighten from Glimmer's chest and the emotions begin to mingle again. There's less concrete memory this time, only the emotions: the sick feeling of anxiety in the pit of the stomach, the fear of failure, the worry that you will not be good enough to help those who rely on you. It's all mingling into a sickening anxious malaise that has settled over Glimmer's mind. How is she supposed to shoulder this weight? What does she do? What can she do? The answer is, of course, that she can't really do anything to help because she's trapped somewhere who knows how far from home without the faintest idea of how to get back there. ]

I'm scared.

[ She doesn't need to say it, of course. Ellie can feel it. For some reason, though, it feels like it helps to say it. Speaking it makes it feel more real, more concrete. It makes her feel like expressing it aloud helps to anchor her. ]

[The glow shines clearly through Ellie's shirt again as Glimmer takes her hand, as her emotions thrum through her -- Ellie always feels terribly exhausted, sad, guilty. But she can set it aside, pull her concern over Glimmer to the forefront.

So Glimmer's anxiety and fear is up there, blanketing painful over everything, and Ellie breathes through it, feeling it as surely as she does. It's... so much to carry. Different in the weight. It's despair, and it tastes familiar.

There's a fucked-up echo from Ellie's side, the guilt and hurt of going from this type of anxiety to actual failure, but she clamps down on that as much as she can. Glimmer doesn't need that right now. She needs reasons to keep fighting-

But. Even as Ellie tastes all of this, she can feel the fire of who she is. Even though she feels scared and trapped, she hasn't given up.

It roars up in Ellie's chest, a deep admiration and fondness for her, pressing alongside all that pain. Glimmer hasn't given up.

How is it that you're never scared? The voice is a boy's a trickle of a memory. He's maybe eleven, or twelve. His face comes in fractured snapshots. In flickers. But the memory of his voice is crystal clear.

Who says that I'm not? Ellie answers. Her voice is softer, higher.]

What're you scared of?

[As Ellie asks it aloud, the boy's face and voice intermingle with hers. Asking the same exact question. The memory fades out.]

[ Glimmer can feel the echo of Ellie's guilt and hurt over failing. Glimmer's is there too--a failure to listen, a failure to be there for the friends who needed her, a failure to protect her world. She is Glimmer, though, and she is so, so strong. Her mother's words hold her up. Help her to keep moving forward. Her grip on Ellie's hand tightens so that it is almost white knuckled. What are you scared of? Ellie asks along with the boy from her memories. ]

I'm scared that I won't be able to get home. I'm scared that Etheria is being torn apart while I'm here and I can't do anything about it.

[ She swallows. She is crying still, tears coming down her face and without thinking she shifts closer, buries her face against Ellie's shoulder in search of comfort. ]

I'm scared that I failed; that it's my fault Etheria is in danger. Even if I get home I'll still be trapped in Horde Prime's prison and I won't be able to do anything to make up for it.

[ Her voice grows smaller. There's an impression of harsh words passing between her and Adora. A young man who tells her that to use the Heart of Etheria is wrong. That one hits her the hardest. There's a deep well of care and affection and love for him. It's a trust that permeates her to the very core of her being and the feeling that he does not support her, does not respect her as queen pushes a dagger of pain and anguish deep into her heart. Glimmer turns vindictive. She hurts and wants to hurt back. So she snaps at them, ordering them as their queen not to go off on a rescue mission for one of their other friends, long lost to them. They need to focus on winning the war and the Heart is their best chance to finally save Etheria for good.

They leave anyway. ]

That I won't be able to tell my friends how sorry I am for what I did and said. Like--like with mom.

Edited 2020-11-16 20:13 (UTC)

[Ellie shifts her chair -- the table is small, so when Glimmer reaches for her, it's not hard to move into reach. She wraps an arm around her waist, her fingers still returning Glimmer's tight grip. She tries her best to blank herself out and just -- just let herself feel it.

It's terrifying, opening herself up like this. Feeling all of this pain, all of this heartbreak, all of this self-recrimination and horrible guilt. Fear and failure, the desperation of being backed into a corner, of others not seeing how much she needs to do this, even if it's horrible and wrong, surely the ends will justify the means, she can't stop now, not when she's already come so far-

Ellie comes up breathless, trembling, her skin itching, her arm tight around Glimmer. She makes sure her fingernails stop digging into Glimmer's skin. Takes a deep breath, and lets it out. She doesn't let go.]

... don't count yourself out yet. It's not over.

[ Glimmer's breath catches. Her chest feels tight and there's so much going on in her head that she needs to pull away at last. Like coming up for air. She reluctantly pulls herself away, though fingers linger, laying over the cybernetic replacements on Ellie's hand. To touch is to connect, but there is such a thing as too much and she fears that it may be overwhelming Ellie. Her eyes ache from the sting of tears. ]

It just feels like I'm in this... this really dark tunnel or something and I don't know how I'm going to get out yet, but I just have to keep going. It's so exhausting, though.

[ A breath, heavy and uncertain. ]

I--I apologized to Adora but she doesn't remember any of it so it doesn't feel real. How can she forgive me for something she doesn't know happened?

[Glimmer's right, and she hates that she's right, but she needed to come up for air, too. It's all so close, just a step to the side of everything that's too familiar, and it all hurts. Like salt in raw wounds. But she can sit, she can listen. She can even touch her again.

She just can't do everything at once. Not yet.

Ellie curls her fingers around Glimmer's, holding on as best she can. For the first time, she's thankful for the injury, and that very thought is profoundly unsettling.]

... because she cares about you.

[Ellie lifts her eyes to take in Glimmer's face.]

When you care about someone, you can't always forgive them. Or live with them. But you always want to try.

[Ellie looks down at the table, drawing the fingernails of her free hand along the edge, picking at it.]

And sometimes the road to forgiveness is that long, dark tunnel. You're not going to be in the same place when you come out the other side, but you can't let yourself stop there, either.

Yeah. I love her, Ellie.

[ It's said without hesitation or embarrassment. A raw, unfiltered statement of intent, of truth. She loves Adora, fiercely and without reserve. As a friend, maybe as more, but first as a friend who she would throw herself on any number of grenades for as long as it meant she could be safe and happy. ]

And I hate that I'm still in the dark here. Like... I can't really forgive myself for what I did because. No one who has the right to forgive me has actually done it yet. Not in a way that feels real.

[ She looks down at her fruit cup and ponders the colors and shapes within. Maybe there is guidance there or at least distraction. ]

I just have to keep going one step at a time.

[Ellie listens. Glimmer says it so easily -- she loves her. It's a tug in Ellie's heart, a deep and abiding ache. She feels like a fucking fraud, trying to give Glimmer advice when she herself is such a goddamn disaster, and doesn't have any idea of how to offer hope or encouragement.

All she can do is listen, so she listens.]

Yeah.

[Ellie breathes out the word. She wishes she had something better for her. Something that didn't feel like the canned, empty platitudes. So Ellie just shoves it all out of her head, and does her best.]

You think that maybe you're being hard on yourself because they aren't?

I'm hard on myself because I messed up. None of them have... no one has yelled at me about it or confronted me and--I don't know, I guess I just feel like I'm waiting for it to happen so it can be done. I want them to do it!

[ Glimmer groans, covers her face with her hands. ]

It doesn't make sense, the way we're all from different times. Or at least, we all remember different amounts of the stuff that happened.

[Ellie knows that feeling -- wanting someone to be angry. To take things out on her because it felt like what she deserved. So many things were her fault, and it hurt all the more that nobody outright blamed her.

It made he worried that they all blamed her, privately.

Ellie runs a hand down Glimmer's back, rubbing her through the barrier of her shirt.]

When are they from?

[ Glimmer leans forward onto the table, pillowing her head on her arms. It feels... relieving. Ellie is so completely uninvolved that it feels like Glimmer can just talk about it and not worry. She takes a breath, the warmth of the other's hand through her shirt comforting and reassuring her. ]

Catra... Well, I don't owe her an apology, but she's from right before we got picked up by Horde Prime. Adora is... years out of date. From right before my mom... um. Right before I lost my mom.

[Ellie keeps rubbing. There's a change in Glimmer's breathing. It seems to come easier now, but this shit always tends to come in waves, and even if things have calmed down on the outside, these things run deep.]

Sounds like you've tried to talk to her about it?

Kind of.

[ She admits that much, her voice still shaky. ]

I said I was sorry to her but she didn't understand what I meant, so... I haven't brought it up again. I don't want her to worry about something that she doesn't remember happening yet.

[ Glimmer lapses into quiet again for a bare moment. ]

Catra knows, though. We had a whole conversation about it...

[Ellie winces, because that means that Glimmer's been here with this horrible string of events on her mind, with Adora none the wiser, and Glimmer privately thinking that it might be enough not to be forgiven over.

She can't imagine being around Dina, for instance -- if she showed up before Ellie did everything she did. Being able to love her and be close to her with a clear conscience. Fucking hell.]

What'd she say about it?

It came up while we were talking about my mom.

[ Glimmer feels very small and very tired. The last few months haven't been easy and finally having someone to talk to about all this stuff makes her feel like the whole world is pressing down on her. It'll be good to get out, though. ]

Mostly because... I guess that's part of why I forgave her. I understood what it felt like to want to win no matter what it was going to cost and part of me didn't care how dangerous it was if it meant I could finally put an end to the war. So, we didn't talk much about it directly, I guess. Just that it happened and that I messed up. She doesn't know the details.

[Ellie rubs, again, pressing the palm of her hand between Glimmer's shoulder blades, bringing it back down again. She misses Dina and JJ and Tommy and Maria... misses Joel. Misses who she used to be.]

Glimmer...

[Ellie pauses, trying to order it in her head. Trying to figure out how she wants to say these things.]

You fucked up.

[She can see it, right there in the impressions of her memories. They hurt so much, and the guilt she carries is so heavy. The fear. Ellie keeps rubbing.]

Bad, even. But there's no changing what's already happened, or the choices you already made. You can't go back and rewrite things. No matter how much you might want to.

[Ellie blinks back the burning feeling in her eyes, lightly gripping her shirt.]

But it's not over yet. Nothing's over yet.

Yeah. Yeah, I did.

[ The pressure and motion of Ellie's hand keep her grounded in the real world. Keeps her from floating off into her unhappy memories. She swallows, then presses the back of one arm against her eyes. ]

I just want to be able to tell them I'm sorry. I want them to know that I know I messed up.

[ Her voice drops away into a quiet almost-whisper. ]

I want to know I'll still have my friends.

[Even if they're not touching, she can hear the break of tears in Glimmer's voice, and Ellie reaches out, wraps her arm around Glimmer's waist and hugs her, laying her cheek on the back of her shoulder blade, shutting her eyes.

There's enough cloth between them to make it possible, even if it's probably not as comfortable as it could be.

She remembers Dina, holding her, despite all the blood on her skin, her shaking, stinging hands. I don't want to lose you, she'd whispered into the darkness.]

For what it's worth, I think you will.

[It's a shot in the dark, and Ellie may never know whether she's right. But Glimmer cares so much about other people, and she already knows that she fucked up. She has a shot.]

[ One of Glimmer's hands reaches out and clings tightly to the fabric of Ellie's shirt, as if she might pull the other girl onto her like a sort of blanket. She nods her head, wanting (needing) to believe Ellie because otherwise she's going to go absolutely crazy chasing herself in circles here. ]

I hope so.

[ She mumbles the words, soft and uncertain. ]

Thanks for being here, Ellie.

[Ellie squeezes back, firmly, her chest aching. Glimmer thanking her feels raw, like she's lying to her again about what kind of person she is. She takes a deep breath and lets it out against the back of her shoulder, just holding on.]

I've fucked up more than my fair share. I haven't always done the right thing by the people I cared about.

[Slowly, she blinks a few times, chasing away her vision blurring.]

You're easy to be good to, Glimmer.

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