sparklequeen | Meadowlark Inbox

[Ellie listens. Glimmer says it so easily -- she loves her. It's a tug in Ellie's heart, a deep and abiding ache. She feels like a fucking fraud, trying to give Glimmer advice when she herself is such a goddamn disaster, and doesn't have any idea of how to offer hope or encouragement.

All she can do is listen, so she listens.]

Yeah.

[Ellie breathes out the word. She wishes she had something better for her. Something that didn't feel like the canned, empty platitudes. So Ellie just shoves it all out of her head, and does her best.]

You think that maybe you're being hard on yourself because they aren't?

I'm hard on myself because I messed up. None of them have... no one has yelled at me about it or confronted me and--I don't know, I guess I just feel like I'm waiting for it to happen so it can be done. I want them to do it!

[ Glimmer groans, covers her face with her hands. ]

It doesn't make sense, the way we're all from different times. Or at least, we all remember different amounts of the stuff that happened.

[Ellie knows that feeling -- wanting someone to be angry. To take things out on her because it felt like what she deserved. So many things were her fault, and it hurt all the more that nobody outright blamed her.

It made he worried that they all blamed her, privately.

Ellie runs a hand down Glimmer's back, rubbing her through the barrier of her shirt.]

When are they from?

[ Glimmer leans forward onto the table, pillowing her head on her arms. It feels... relieving. Ellie is so completely uninvolved that it feels like Glimmer can just talk about it and not worry. She takes a breath, the warmth of the other's hand through her shirt comforting and reassuring her. ]

Catra... Well, I don't owe her an apology, but she's from right before we got picked up by Horde Prime. Adora is... years out of date. From right before my mom... um. Right before I lost my mom.

[Ellie keeps rubbing. There's a change in Glimmer's breathing. It seems to come easier now, but this shit always tends to come in waves, and even if things have calmed down on the outside, these things run deep.]

Sounds like you've tried to talk to her about it?

Kind of.

[ She admits that much, her voice still shaky. ]

I said I was sorry to her but she didn't understand what I meant, so... I haven't brought it up again. I don't want her to worry about something that she doesn't remember happening yet.

[ Glimmer lapses into quiet again for a bare moment. ]

Catra knows, though. We had a whole conversation about it...

[Ellie winces, because that means that Glimmer's been here with this horrible string of events on her mind, with Adora none the wiser, and Glimmer privately thinking that it might be enough not to be forgiven over.

She can't imagine being around Dina, for instance -- if she showed up before Ellie did everything she did. Being able to love her and be close to her with a clear conscience. Fucking hell.]

What'd she say about it?

It came up while we were talking about my mom.

[ Glimmer feels very small and very tired. The last few months haven't been easy and finally having someone to talk to about all this stuff makes her feel like the whole world is pressing down on her. It'll be good to get out, though. ]

Mostly because... I guess that's part of why I forgave her. I understood what it felt like to want to win no matter what it was going to cost and part of me didn't care how dangerous it was if it meant I could finally put an end to the war. So, we didn't talk much about it directly, I guess. Just that it happened and that I messed up. She doesn't know the details.

[Ellie rubs, again, pressing the palm of her hand between Glimmer's shoulder blades, bringing it back down again. She misses Dina and JJ and Tommy and Maria... misses Joel. Misses who she used to be.]

Glimmer...

[Ellie pauses, trying to order it in her head. Trying to figure out how she wants to say these things.]

You fucked up.

[She can see it, right there in the impressions of her memories. They hurt so much, and the guilt she carries is so heavy. The fear. Ellie keeps rubbing.]

Bad, even. But there's no changing what's already happened, or the choices you already made. You can't go back and rewrite things. No matter how much you might want to.

[Ellie blinks back the burning feeling in her eyes, lightly gripping her shirt.]

But it's not over yet. Nothing's over yet.

Yeah. Yeah, I did.

[ The pressure and motion of Ellie's hand keep her grounded in the real world. Keeps her from floating off into her unhappy memories. She swallows, then presses the back of one arm against her eyes. ]

I just want to be able to tell them I'm sorry. I want them to know that I know I messed up.

[ Her voice drops away into a quiet almost-whisper. ]

I want to know I'll still have my friends.

[Even if they're not touching, she can hear the break of tears in Glimmer's voice, and Ellie reaches out, wraps her arm around Glimmer's waist and hugs her, laying her cheek on the back of her shoulder blade, shutting her eyes.

There's enough cloth between them to make it possible, even if it's probably not as comfortable as it could be.

She remembers Dina, holding her, despite all the blood on her skin, her shaking, stinging hands. I don't want to lose you, she'd whispered into the darkness.]

For what it's worth, I think you will.

[It's a shot in the dark, and Ellie may never know whether she's right. But Glimmer cares so much about other people, and she already knows that she fucked up. She has a shot.]

[ One of Glimmer's hands reaches out and clings tightly to the fabric of Ellie's shirt, as if she might pull the other girl onto her like a sort of blanket. She nods her head, wanting (needing) to believe Ellie because otherwise she's going to go absolutely crazy chasing herself in circles here. ]

I hope so.

[ She mumbles the words, soft and uncertain. ]

Thanks for being here, Ellie.

[Ellie squeezes back, firmly, her chest aching. Glimmer thanking her feels raw, like she's lying to her again about what kind of person she is. She takes a deep breath and lets it out against the back of her shoulder, just holding on.]

I've fucked up more than my fair share. I haven't always done the right thing by the people I cared about.

[Slowly, she blinks a few times, chasing away her vision blurring.]

You're easy to be good to, Glimmer.

I'd be surprised if I met someone who hasn't fucked up.

[ Glimmer does her best to smile. ]

You have to let me be good to you too, though, okay?

[Ellie opens her mouth, closes it, lets the words roll through her and ache as they will. She's going to have to deal with this her whole life, she might as well get used to being a person again, instead of quest.

She'd thought it was hard enough when the quest came from the best of intentions. The past two years are tougher to swallow. She's not sure she can promise what Glimmer asks, but she can try.

Glimmer's trying, after everything she's been through. She can too.]

... okay.

Good.

[ Glimmer is hurting, but some part of her still demands that she reach out and do her best to help comfort those around her. Especially those who are her friends. She smiles at Ellie, despite her tears and despite her worries. She's the queen--she has to be strong sometimes, right? ]

You deserve it, Ellie.

[Ellie can't help but smile, straightening up. Glimmer's got tears in her eyes, and she still out here, encouraging her.]

So do you.

[Ellie doesn't take her hand from her back, but does give her a somewhat playful look, attempting to lighten the mood.]

Hey, I'm the one comforting you here. You can't turn this around on me, Your Majesty.

Oh, please. Friends support friends. You can't make me stop. Besides, I'm the queen.

[ It's playful and friendly, even if the words do bring a tinge of regret into Glimmer's heart. She gives Ellie a bit of an elbow. ]

Wanna go out on the fire escape? It's a pretty okay view. Or I can show you my magic disappearing bed.

[ It's completely guileless and devoid of innuendo, just Glimmer making a dumb joke. Even if a moment later she realizes what that might sound like and her cheeks turn a little pinker. Thankfully she's been crying so maybe it's not noticable? ]

[Ellie can see the tinge of pain and how Glimmer smiles through it, and it makes her want to hug her all over again -- at least until her elbow-nudge knocks the air out of her. Ellie can't help but laugh. It bursts out of her, scratchy but full-throated and surprised, and she elbows her right back.

... and notices the blush too, even if she decides not to draw any attention to it. Glimmer definitely didn't mean to make anything sound like that.]

Whatever you wanna show me. Magic disappearing bed?

It--It's stupid.

[ Glimmer coughs, then hops to her feet and gestures for Ellie to follow her. Tucked just around the corner from the table is a short stairway leading up to the bathroom and shower--and opposite that is the strange little nook that's her space. Ducking inside, she crouches down and hauls open a trap door with a grunt. Inside, there's a cozy little twin bed that raises up a little higher as the door opens--probably on some kind of attached system. ]

They fold it into the floor to save space, so you can like, sit in here and work or hang out or whatever during the day.

[ She sits down cross legged on the mattress, which is sunken into the floor. Smiles. ]

Tah-dah!

Edited 2020-11-20 16:55 (UTC)

It's not.

[Ellie says it immediately, then follows, kneeling down next to the nook to see properly. Her eyes widen as Glimmer pulls the bed out. It's a brilliant contraption, probably one her place would have had, had it had a few more upgrades. But she likes it -- it's the kind of place she'd appreciate if it were her own.

... even if it's kind of out in the open, and she shares the space with two other people. Ellie settles down in that kneeling crouch, reaches out to pat the blankets thoughtfully.

Her smile softens, and she looks from the bed to Glimmer.]

It's really cool.

[And Ellie wants to ask about what Glimmer had back home, but senses that that's not the most comfortable topic right now. So instead-]

... back in the QZ they had these little rooms with bunkbeds. And in Jackson I had this... garage. It wasn't as nice looking as this apartment, or even my place here in the city. But it fit.

It's not much, but it's mine. Catra and Adora share the room next door.

[ She gestures towards the wall and smiles. ]

It's cozy, though. And comfortable. Plus I get to share with my friends, which is better than living alone, I think.

[ There's a soft sigh. ]

I mean, I guess Catra is my friend now? Maybe? I don't know.

Maybe?

[Ellie flops next to her, stretching out one leg and resting her forearm across the other, looking and Glimmer thoughtfully.]

I mean, stuff's complicated between you two, but it sounds like you look out for each other.

[ Oh. The girl she likes is next to her on her bed. How did this happen? Oh gods. Glimmer distracts herself by picking at a stray thread one one of her sheets, gaze sliding away from Ellie. Even if the weight of her on the mattress and the warmth of her are distinctly palpable. ]

We're the only ones from Etheria here. We have to look out for each other, even if... even if I don't know how I really feel about her. I try to be friends for Adora's sake, though. And because fighting our war here wouldn't help anyone.

[Oh, shit. Maybe too close. Ellie glances away too, wills away the heat in her cheeks. It shows easily; makes her freckles stand out.]

... it's good that you're able to do that. Put stuff aside.

If someone from home showed up here, I-

[Well. Ellie takes a deep breath, lets it out.]

It would depend on who it was. But I'd want them to be able to find me. That's why my last name is what it is on the network.

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