sparklequeen | Meadowlark Inbox

oh! Okay, yeah. I only have the one bed and the couch here is pretty small but we can make it work. Not like I have a lot of stuff anyway.

im fine of course i amw ehn am i not fine

[ she is not fine. ]

ill take the floor i dont care i jsut cant be at home right now id dosmethignk stupd

First, there are plenty of times you're not fine but you don't TELL anyone.

Second, you are NOT sleeping on the floor.

Third, what happened?

im at your door

[ is all Glimmer gets in response. and as promised, she is. she stands there, looking every bit like she rushed out of the house without warning. hair a mess, eyes red from unsuccessful attempts at not crying, a backpack slung over her shoulder. ]

Hey, Glim. Sorry to just show up.

[ she's trying to smile at least. ]

I, um. I did something dumb. And--And I just need to get away for a few days.

[ Glimmer opens the door and stares up at Adora for a moment. She's dressed for... Home. Sweats and baggy t-shirt and all. ]

...It's okay. Come in.

[ Her place is small. The living room and the kitchen are practically the same space. The couch is more of a loveseat and the table actually folds out of the wall. It's easy for her to step over to the counter and start the electric kettle going. Tea. Adora needs tea. ]

Uh, get comfy. Then tell me what's going on.

[ she almost brushes it off again. another 'i'm fine' comes to her so easily.

but this is Glimmer, and if there's anyone can see right through her better than Catra, it's definitely Glimmer. ]

It's hard to put into words.

[ she settles on the small couch, toeing her shoes off and making herself comfortable. ]

...Can I show you instead?

[ Glimmer fishes out a pair of tea bags and drops each into a mug, sets them aside next to the kettle. She turns back towards Adora and moves over to the couch to sink down next to her. Glimmer tucks her feet under her, offers a hand. ]

Yeah, if that's easier.

[ She smiles. ]

I'm here for you, okay? No matter what.

[ Despite it being her suggestion, Adora hesitates. But this is Glimmer. She trusts Glimmer with every fiber of her being. With all the messy emotions Adora is still struggling to sort and understand.

So she takes a deep breath and Glimmer's hand, fighting to stop the immediate uncontrolled flow of her emotions. They're all messy and tangled, hope and heartbreaking and shame all rolled into one.

She focuses instead on the last few hours, the lead up to everything. The pride she felt when looking at Catra after she apologized to Glimmer, then the panic and frustration of their argument over Adora's self-sacrificing tendencies. But it had led to something good, to a chance--

And Adora had been so painfully hopeful when she suggested a new promise. The closest she could get to I love you, stay with me without putting it into words, feelings Adora wasn't anywhere near prepared or self-aware enough to start untangling. She just wanted Catra, there, with her, for as long as possible. And for a fleeting moment, watching Catra's face, she'd thought she had it.

But with Catra's rejection comes a flood of emotion Adora couldn't hold back from Glimmer if she tried. The feeling of her heart shattering, the humiliating burn of rejection, the confirmation that Adora was so, endlessly stupid to even think she could have something like that.

For Adora it had been more than a gesture of friendship-- It had been the hope for a new beginning, an attempt to move forward from the pain she and Catra had put each other through.

She'd been scared to ask. Scared to want something for herself for the first time in her life, but willing to risk that, for Catra.

And in the end, all it had gotten her was a broken heart and rejected. ]

[ Glimmer wasn't quite sure what to expect from this. She had only gone through this sharing of emotion and memory once or twice before. She wasn't ready, though, for the depths of the emotion that roll off of Adora and seem to slam into her like waves in a storm. It's enough to make her head spin and she can feel sympathetic tears stinging at her eyes. It's overwhelming and powerful and the sheer force of the hope and care and love mingled with the crushing heartbreak of feeling like she had been rejected. Her hand squeezes Adora's in a grip that's almost painful. ]

Oh, Adora...

[ She releases Adora's hand, but only so she can reach out to pull the other girl into a hug. She is not the biggest fan of Catra, even if she's doing her best to make her peace with the other young woman. This, though... it has never been more obvious to her what these feelings are, even if she hesitates to look at them within herself. It breaks her heart. ]

I'm sorry, Adora.

[ She shouldn't be bothering Glimmer with this. It's her own thing to handle and she's probably being annoyingly needy and--

And then Glimmer pulls her into a hug and Adora cracks. ]

I should-- I should be okay with her decision. I get it. I do. B-but...I just wanted--

[ And that was the problem. Adora wanted. She selfishly tried to push her hopes and desires onto Catra, so wasn't it only natural she was punished for that? ]

I-I planned it. Asking her. Not like that, but... I thought it might help. But I was so stupid, Glimmer.

[ Glimmer reaches up and gently presses her hand into the back of Adora's hand, stroking through her hair. Comforting her friends is something she's had to get used to. ]

You're not stupid, Adora.

[ She has a realization as she speaks, a strike of real, actual insight that has been rolling around inside her head and that this has only confirmed. ]

You love her.

[ For a moment, the only thing in Adora's brain is static. ]

Of course I do. She's my friend. I love you too.

[ Glimmer sits back, hands on Adora's shoulders. She studies the other young woman with a pensive expression. ]

I know. I love you, too.

[ A beat. ]

That's not the kind of love I think I'm getting from you on this, though.

...No.

[ It feels like the world drops out from under Adora, and the terror that races through her is almost unreal. ]

No. Glimmer, I can't be.

[ It's a realization long-buried beneath layers upon layers of fierce denial.

It was too risky, the kinds of feelings she had hidden deep inside herself. Risky for Catra, under the ever-watchful gaze of Shadow Weaver. Just being Adora's friend had caused Catra so much pain.

And the fear, too. The fear of that final rejection, of losing the most important person in her life.

And now? Now, after everything that's happened? After how much she's hurt Catra by leaving, after how much Catra has hurt her in return... ]

You're wrong, you're-- No. I can't-- It's not allowed, it's not--

[ She's panicking. ]

Glimmer, I can't be in love with Catra.

Adora.

[ Glimmer sits a bit further back, her eyes focused laser-like on Adora as she denies it, tries to find a reason it's not possible. She crosses her arms. ]

Why can't you be? I know what you felt when we touched hands just now. I mean, yeah, she's been cruel and awful to us but--but that doesn't mean that you can't have feelings for her.

[ Admitting that feels weird. Really weird. Especially in relation to Catra. ]

And I'm not. Okay? I'm not. Maybe Shadow Weaver isn't here anymore to be awful to her if I ever do anything, but-- It's better for her if I'm not.

Because-- Glimmer, it's Catra. She's my best friend, she's been my best friend since we could barely walk, that's... After everything, do you think she'd be okay with that at all? And what if she thinks it's weird or creepy or says "What the hell Adora, you've been lying and pretending to be my friend our entire lives when actually you're a creep who's in love with me?!" And then she doesn't want anything to do with me and I never get to see her smile again or hear her laugh or make her sushi or--

[ Adora's up and pacing around immediately, vibrating with anxiety. ]

And Catra...would never want me like that.

[ Glimmer takes a breath. She is one hundred percent not equipped to walk one of her best friends through her feelings for her best friend-slash-mortal enemy. That doesn't mean she's not going to try, though. ]

Why do you think that?

[ She hesitates. ]

She was really intense about keeping us apart before she had that time at home, remember? Do you think... maybe it could have been jealousy? I'm not saying it's for sure, but if she thinks of you as being as important as you think of her, then, uhm.

[ She rubs her face with one hand. Ugh. ]

I can't believe I'm saying this, but well, maybe she feels the same way?

That's just who Catra is, though. She's been like that since we were little.

[ She runs a hand through her hair, taking a deep breath. ]

If...If she felt that way, wouldn't she have told me?

Maybe she doesn't get it yet. It took you until now to figure it out.

[ Glimmer pauses. She also knows the feeling of anguish and guilt that comes with trying, failing, and doing more harm than good. Even if Catra probably doesn't have that exact emotional arc... or maybe she does? ]

Or she thinks she's not good enough for you? Or that maybe you wouldn't take her back after all the Horde stuff?

[ She sinks back onto the couch, face in her hands. ]

Catra could never be not good enough for me. She's Catra. It's...

[ Oh.

Oh. ]

...Glimmer. What do I do?

[ Glimmer reaches out to give Adora's shoulder a squeeze. This is completely unknown territory for her--how does she make this work? What does she say?]

I don't know, Adora. I've never... this isn't something I really know how to handle, either.

[ She tries to smile. ]

No matter what I'm here for you, though.

[ She leans into Glimmer's touch, moving to rest more against her on the couch.

Seeking out comfort is never easy for Adora. ]

I can't tell her, Glimmer.

You don't have to. It's...

[ Glimmer nestles closer. It's instinct, almost. Moving close to comfort her friend, though she does her best not to touch skin to skin. ]

It's something you can do when you're ready. When you feel right. I think it's good to know how you feel, though.

It will never feel right. She would never feel the same, and I'd just... I'd make everything worse. After everything.

I mean...

[ Glimmer sighs. What can she say here? She doesn't really know Catra that well. Not the way Adora does. ]

I think you have to have some hope, Adora.

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